No flaws when you're pretending :: Theo [CLOSED]

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

A meltdown had been the last thing Theo expected. He expected more absent-minded stares and distantly voiced questions, but he was not prepared for what happens next, and his jaw dropped as he watched Vivian throw a beaker across the room. She didn’t even know what it was! This girl was insane! His brows furrowed in complete and utter shock as she began to rant and rave, asking if he wanted to see the state. If he wanted to see the monster, and inside, he wondered if this was what the real Vivian was like… absolutely off her rocker.

Fear never showed on his face, once, though. If she wanted to hurt him, she could try, but it would only end in her failure. His wand was already out, and he could likely hex her and get away without a second thought. She shouted about how if she had feelings they’d be hurt, and if she could cry she would be, and Theo was completely lost. Why in Merlin’s name would she be crying?! And he thought she appreciated his honesty! Ha! What a laugh. His eyes narrowed at her, fully prepared to shout right back at her that it wasn’t his fault she didn’t like what she was hearing, and that it was the truth, but within seconds it was like she was back to the same old normal Vivian. Not a care in the world about anything but herself. What was that?! He thought to himself, but he didn’t get a chance to voice his concern because Vivian closed the distance between them too quickly, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into one of the deepest kisses he’d given any woman. For only a split second he lost himself before he realized what was going on, and he was enraged.

Vivian broke apart the kiss and told her that if she wanted to make him want her, she would, and he was aghast at the audacity and disrespect coming from someone who he referred to as a friend, someone he wanted to protect. Well, right now he didn’t want to protect her, right now he felt like he could kill her where she stood, and he would be the one who wouldn’t feel a thing. But he couldn’t and wouldn’t bring himself to commit such a heinous act. He lived with a murderer already, he didn’t need to become one himself. Vivian started on another rant again, but Theo heard scarcely a word because he was too filled with absolute fury to pay attention to a thing leaving the blondes lips. The only thing he heard was ‘I don’t understand,’ and in a moment of inhibition he whipped his wand out and pointed it at her, a hex lingering on the tip of his tongue, but he placed his wand in his pocket, his eyes narrow slits.

“Well that’s not my fault. And now I’m the one that's angry. So goodbye, Vivian,” he said, venom in his voice as he turned around, exited the potions room and slammed the door behind him. He’d thought that even if she couldn’t feel anything she’d have learned by now to respect the fact that other people have feelings, or even just respect them as people. But no, no, Vivian Blackwell didn’t care about other people, and the more and more Theo thought about it the more angrier he became. He didn’t know why she was the way she was, and up until this point he’d tolerated it. But not anymore… Not anymore.

Vivian thought she could go around doing whatever she want and everyone would love her, and up until this point, he had loved her, as a friend. She was always interesting to be around, but today Vivian crossed a line that Theo had drawn, and he didn’t take kindly when his boundaries were broken. So, in the same fashion that he swatted away the hands of so many fangirls, he planned to swat her away now, too. At least for a little while.

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian truly hadn't wanted to upset Theo. That hadn't been her intention. She had just wanted him to understand. She didn't know why she wanted him to understand, but she did. He was the closest thing to a friend she would ever have.

She hadn't expected him to get so angry, or to point his wand at her. She saw a fury in his eyes she had never seen there before. Something dark, lingering under the surface, and knew that for a moment he wanted to hurt her. That look, and that intention, shook Vivian to the core. She suddenly felt cold... she felt cold. Her heart started beating faster. Her palms were sweating. She didn't know what was happening, or what sort of spell Theo had used on her to make these things happen.

Theo said something else, but she wasn't listening. She was staring at the floor, stunned into silence. Her breathing started to come harder, and she looked up as Theo stormed out of the potions room. He was gone. She had driven him away. He hated her.

Suddenly, Vivian felt as though all the air had been knocked out of her. Her throat felt tight, and she was shaking. She put a hand to her face and it came away wet. She was crying. She had never cried before. She started to cry, loud, heartbreaking sobs that reverberated around the hallow potion room. She was scared and alone and in pain, she was feeling and it hurt, God, it hurt. She sank down to her knees, not able to think, or make sense of what she was feeling. She wasn't used to feeling anything. It was all she could do to just handle it. She wanted it all to stop.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Theo was blind with fury as he made his way through the corridor. He couldn't believe the behavior Vivian had displayed. They were friends, sure, but in all the years they'd known each other she'd never behaved so recklessly toward him. Sure they kissed in the very beginning, but now, years later, he didn't want to do that anymore. Not with her, at least. He let out a low growl as he passed a few second years, ready to keep going and not look back. He wanted nothing to do with Vivian. Let her wallow in her sociopathic tendencies and her mental mood swings, he didn’t want to be a prt of it anymore. He didn’t want – his thoughts we stopped dead in their tracks at the sound of sobbing.

He turned around, his brows furrowed. Surely that couldn’t be… His face was one of anger and disbelief, and no matter how much he wanted to keep going, the back of his mind was telling him something could be wrong. He had that protection complex, and he sighed, knowing he’d be going back no matter what. The second years he’d just passed shuddered as he walked by once more and he grinned at his dominance as he made his way back toward the potions room. The closer he got the louder and more wailing the cries became, and his face contorted into one of shock as he realized it was Vivian who was crying. He was confused, wondering what could have possibly triggered such a change of moods, and such a change of absolutely everything, really. But his thoughts only lingered on it momentarily before he opened the door to the room, and the sobs were one of the loudest he heard.

He frowned at the sight of her. Red eyes, puffy cheeks, tears streaming down her cheeks like a waterfall. This was not the girl he knew. This was not the girl he left not more than 30 seconds ago, but it was still Vivian, and as angry as he was with her he didn’t want her to cry. He walked over to her.

“Vivian, you’re okay, you’re okay,” he said, lifting the girls from her knees to a standing position. She felt like deadweight in his arms, and he sighed as he lifted her back onto the desk that she’d been perched on earlier. He made sure she was steady before taking steps back. At the sight of her tearstained cheeks, Theo couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

“You do feel!” he pointed at her, as if pointing out a revelation unlike any other. It probably wasn’t the best time to laugh and point, really, but he didn’t care. If she could do what she’d just done, he could laugh at her all the time and he’d not give a care in the world. Even though she wasn’t being a complete psycho anymore, he still didn’t like the fact that she’d overstepped his obviously laid out boundaries like that.

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian looked up as she heard someone enter the room, and was relived- she felt relieved- when she saw it was Theo. But she still couldn't stop crying. She couldn't stop the feelings. Maybe she really was broken. Maybe the wires in her brain were all messed up, and now one had gotten crossed and where before there had been no emotion, now there was too much. What if she was stuck like this?

She let Theo pick her up, and put her on the counter. She just kept crying, and crying. Theo was laughing at her and that made it hurt even more. It just hurt so much, and she didn't understand, and she wanted it to stop. She wanted it to stop now. She couldn't handle it. It was too much, all at once, after so much nothing.

"I-I..." she started trying to speak, but she was still sobbing too hard. "I...don't... know...." she tried to choke out her words in between sobs. "I d-don't know why... how... Theo..." she buried her face in her hands, trying to hide away as she continued to sob. She didn't even know why she was crying. She was broken. Faulty. Malfunctioning.

And it hurt. Feeling hurt, and feeling was bad. Her gut felt empty and hallow, everything felt black and dark and like nothing would ever be ok again. She felt despair, and longing, and she didn't know what for. And still, she cried. Maybe she was hysterical? Maybe Theo needed to hit her? She wanted it to stop. She needed it to stop.

"I-it hurts, Theo," she said, between sobs "m-makeit s-s-stop... make it g-go away... make it go away now!"

Never having felt anything before (at least, not to her memory) Vivian wasn't able to handle what she was feeling now. It was all too much, all at once. She wasn't equipped, like most people were, to deal with their emotions, to think clearly and feel at the same time. Vivian was used to thinking with the up-most clarity, unhindered by feeling. She could be cold, and detached, and she preferred it that way. She infinitely preferred it, if this was what feeling was like. If this was what feeling was like, she didn't know how Theo and the others did it.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

The sobs that were leaving the girl seemed endless, and Theo looked toward the ground for a moment, wondering how in the world he was supposed to get it to stop. He’d never been particularly good at comforting people. He wasn’t sure why he was so mad at Vivian for her actions, either. Maybe it was because of everything with this father. Maybe it was because his mother hadn’t ended up with who she should have. She got jipped out of an amazing life, and he got jipped out of an amazing mother, stuck here with a horrible father, and a father he never knew. It was all a load of rubbish. But Theo saw how unhappy whatever his parents were was, and he swore to himself he’d never deal with that. And Vivian was someone he didn’t want, so her refused to cave to her level. Let her get mad, let her get angry, but he was as stubborn as they came and he refused to back down this time. Actually, he refused to back down a lot of the time.

Vivian began speaking through her sobs and Theo found a frown on his face once more as she was practically begging for him to stop her pain, her hurt. Whatever she was experiencing Theo knew whatever hurt she was experiencing was far worse than anything he’d ever experienced, even with his mother dying. Okay, maybe it wasn’t worse than that, Theo was just far less emotional about that than Vivian seemed about whatever she was thinking about. Her face was red and she struggled to speak. She seemed like she was struggling to breathe. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. What could he say? He didn’t know how to make her stop feeling. And, to be honest, he kind of didn’t want to. Maybe if she felt a little more often she’d be a little more agreeable, a little more respectful.

Still, as Vivian begged that it hurt he knew he had to do something. He wasn’t sure if she meant her memories, or her heart, or just in general, but he hated seeing those he called friends in pain, and as much as he wanted to hate her right now, and as much as he wanted to keep his distance (which he still might, after all this), he knew he had to do something to help. Theo approached her, slinging an arm over her shoulder and giving her a one-armed hug.

“You’re going to be okay. Just take slow, deep breaths,” he urged, trying to remember all the things he did the night his mother died. It was all a blur, really, a distant memory that he tried to forget. It would never truly leave, though. It was the reason he could see Thestrals… It was the reason for a lot of things. He inhaled, and then exhaled once, unhooking his arm from around her. He walked back to the abandoned cauldron that still bore residue from the last potion he made, and he wondered if maybe one of those would work.

“Vivian if you want to stop you’re going to have to breathe. Calm down, try and clear your head. Just stop thinking… and maybe you’ll stop hurting,” he said as he walked over to stand in front of her, tilting his head slightly. He was so rubbish at giving advice and handling emotions. This was why when he bedded girls he kicked them out. That way, they couldn’t get emotional and depressed on him, and if they did he wouldn’t have to deal with it. Handling tears from other people was so… foreign to him. Daphne and AJ didn’t cry. Well, maybe they did, but Theo had never seen it (and he wouldn’t want to). This whole entire thing was so… awkward.

“Think about something happy,” he tried to help Vivian once more, but how do you remember something happy when you’ve never known true happiness? Ugh, Vivian was so frustrating sometimes. How in the world had he dealt with her for so long?

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian didn't know why she was hurting, or what was hurting, but she was. She didn't know why she was crying. Maybe she wasn't hurting very much at all, but it was just that she wasn't used to it? Maybe this was what normal people felt all the time? Well, then, she didn't want to be normal.

When Theo slung his arm around her, and gave her a one armed hug, the sobs stopped abruptly for a moment. Tears were still streaming down her face, but she was stunned into silence. It was a strange feeling. It was a very strange feeling, and she didn't know why. Theo let go of her, and she continued to cry, but this time more quietly, taking advantage of her momentarily stunned state to take some deep breaths, like Theo suggested. They helped, and she found she was able to speak again, but she didn't know what to say.

When Theo said think of something happy, Vivian almost smiled, a half hysterical smile pushing through the tears. "W-what's 'happy', Theo?" she said, not really asking, just reminding him that she had no happy feelings to draw from. Vivian was unable to produce a pratonus charm, because she had no happy memories. No unhappy memories either, but still.

She suddenly realised why Theo's lame, one armed hug had been so startling to her. It was something she'd never thought of, or paid any mind to. "No one's ever hugged me before." she said, through her tears. She said it in the matter of fact way she usually did. She wasn't trying to make Theo feel sorry for her. It was just what it was. So, embarrassment wasn't one of her new found feelings. Maybe once she managed to stop crying the feelings would go away. "You feel..." she struggled for the word, "warm." She didn't mean he physically felt warm, she just didn't have the vocabulary to explain that it was nice when her friend held her.

Another wave of despair flooded over her, and she didn't know why. Theo was looking at her like he very much wanted her to disappear. She wanted to disappear. Why did thinking of hugs bring more sadness? That just seemed to prove to Vivian that something in her was faulty, and that was why she was crying. Thinking of nice, warm things shouldn't make you feel worse. That was illogical. So she must be broken.

She pulled her legs up onto the desk, and sat cross legged again, bending forward and burying her face in her hands so Theo wouldn't see her. Her long blonde hair fell forward, covering her face. Another sob racked her body.

"You want to go, Theo," she said, trying to sound strong though speaking was difficult "you want to go, so go," she chocked back another sob so she could finish her sentence "I only wanted you to understand!"

God, why could she not stop this insipid crying? What made it stop? It was... it was boring. It was boring, and she wanted it to stop. She wanted it to stop, now!

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian said that no one had hugged her and Theo felt a frown come across his face. Surely that couldn't have been true. Could it? She was going around bedding people all the time. Surely one of them must have wanted to stick around afterward. Or maybe Vivian was just so cold that they all wanted out of there as quickly as possible. He didn't want to think on the answer anymore, and he was thankful for a distraction as Vivian spoke again and said Theo felt warm. He struggled to figure out what she meant for a second, until he figured it was probably the closest thing she'd ever get to saying thank you, or you're a good friend, or maybe she just meant that he felt warm. He opened his mouth to say something, but she started crying again, and he was once again at a loss for words. He didn't mean for her to be so upset when he got so angry. He just wanted her to realize she crossed the line, and now he was here trying to comfort her when he had no idea how to.

She curled herself back up onto the desk again, continuing to cry. She said he wanted to go, and she told him that he should. And no matter how badly he wanted to leave, and Merlin he did. He didn’t like emotional Vivian better than non-feeling Vivian, but he wasn’t sure that non-feeling Vivian was much better. She said she only wanted him to understand, and his frown only grew. He scratched his head slightly before heaving a heavy sigh and walking back over to her. He sat back on the desk, and wrapped an arm around her once more, letting it rest on her shoulders.

“I can’t understand, kid,” he said simply, knowing that this explanation likely wouldn’t work, but that he had to try. It was weird: Vivian being sad and angry and overstepping boundaries. He’d never had to deal with it before, and now it was all coming at him full force, and he had little experience with comfort in general, let alone comforting a girl, let alone comforting a girl that couldn’t feel but can now. Who IS prepared to deal with that kind of thing?! No one. Surely no one. He thought for a moment on the fact that he had so little experience with comfort. He’d never had to comfort other people. When his mother died he became a hollow shell for the next five years. He refused to speak with his father, he started making his own meals, and he got into constant fights with his father. He was an angry child, and the night his father broke his nose was one of the angriest nights of his life. He remembered the feeling of rage he felt toward his father when he caught him trying to send that damn letter. And then he hit him, and Theo decided that he would hit back. He was tired of just getting beat up. It was time to defend himself, and defend himself he did. He bit his father and kicked him, but his father got one good punch right to the face, and his nose broke in an instant.

His father did a horrible job at bandaging it, but it healed well enough, he supposed. He didn’t want to find out what would happen if he ever got punched in the nose again, so he tended to avoid fistfights. Maybe that’s why he practiced dueling so often, and became so good at it, so he’d never have to get close enough to someone where they could hurt him like that again. Maybe that’s why Vivian was always pushing people away, even if it was subconsciously. Maybe she didn’t want people to get close enough to her like… someone did.

He looked at her, trying his best to smile. “I can’t understand why you don’t feel anything unless you tell me what happened to you. What made you want to push everyone away and never let anyone in?” The question left his mouth before he could stop it. He was probably nosing into business he had no need to know, and it almost definitely wasn’t going to make her feel any better to bring up what made her this way, and she’d probably lie and say she didn’t remember, but he was trying, which was more than he was willing to do five minutes ago when he was storming down that corridor.

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian's sobbing stopped again as Theo sat next to her, and put his arm around her. Maybe the confusion over being hugged just took her mind off of crying. Maybe that was why people who cried always got hugs? She was surprised that Theo didn't leave. He wanted to, didn't he? At least, she had been sure he had. Maybe she was wrong. She wasn't usually wrong; years of observing people to figure out how to fake emotion had made her excellent at reading other people, but often their emotions confused her. So it was possible that she could have been wrong. Because if he wanted to leave, and she said he could leave, then he would leave. Anything else was illogical.

She lifted her head from her hands, not so ashamed for Theo to see her crying if he didn't really want to leave. She sat awkwardly, trying to figure out how to react to his hug. Most people did what felt right, and so didn't appreciate how confusing it was when you couldn't feel your way through it, and had to think about it. Contrary to popular belief, Vivian didn't sleep around. Sometimes she wanted to have sex with someone, and so she did. Sometimes the thought of anything sexual repulsed her, and that was very off-putting. Often she felt nothing, either way. And even when she did sleep with someone, she didn't stick around long after (and neither did they; it seemed that most people were disturbed by the feeling-less monster she supposedly was). They weren't interesting to talk to. If she wanted someone interesting to talk to she would go find Eli or Theo.

After a moment or two, while Vivian contemplated this, she decided what to do. She scooted closer to Theo, and rested her head on his shoulder. It was a very vulnerable gesture, and it felt strange to Vivian, but all of this felt strange. Again she felt that 'warm' feeling that seemed to be the antidote to crying. The tears didn't stop flowing, rather like a leaky tap. Vivian needed some sort of emotional plumber.

Vivian sighed when Theo asked her what had happened to her. She hadn't wanted Theo to know why she couldn't feel, she wanted him to understand what things were like for her. "Very, very deep down," she said, slowly, thinking over the words as she said them "I think that maybe I do feel. I just don't feel what I feel." she was sure that wouldn't make sense to Theo.

Vivian truly didn't understand why she didn't feel things. She couldn't remember a time when she didn't. But she didn't care about talking to Theo about it, or telling him. It wasn't as though all emotional floodgates had opened; just this one that wouldn't let her stop crying. "I don't know why I'm like this, Theo," she said "maybe I was born this way. I don't remember. I don't remember a time when I did feel anything. I don't remember anything before I was seven." She frowned, thinking about when she was seven years old. Talking about it seemed to make her more calm, and emotionless. The tears were still falling, but Vivian was ignoring that.

The fact that talking about when she was younger made her more emotionless should have been a big red flag as to where the emotionlessness had stemmed from, but Vivian wasn't used to analysing herself, and was enjoying the return of some of her former calm too much to give it much thought.

"My step-dad, he liked that stuff that you seem to find so 'weird', he liked it a lot." she said, as though she were saying he'd enjoyed football "And my mum didn't like that, because she said I was bad. And she didn't like me, because I was so beautiful. So she'd hit me until I was ugly." by this point Vivian sounded like she was reading a shopping list.

"But I didn't mind," she added, meaning that she didn't remember any feeling about it "and I don't remember anything before that. And then they went away. And then I came here," and she had met Theo, so Theo knew she hadn't felt anything then either.

She wiped her face, which was by this point very wet, and scowled at the tears in her hand.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian continued crying for what felt like an eternity before she spoke again, resting her head on his shoulder. He tensed only slightly before relaxing directly after. He hadn’t expected her to react to his hug at all. She didn’t usually, but he sat there with his arm on her shoulder. If a friendly comfort was all he could offer her than he would. He wasn’t sure what to expect Vivian to say next, but it certainly wasn’t what she said. She said deep down she admitted to feeling, but she couldn’t decipher what she felt? Is that what she meant? He didn’t really understand it, but he wouldn’t question it, either. He sat there, and waited for her to continue speaking. She spoke of not feeling anything before she was seven, and the number caused chills to be sent down Theo’s spine. Seven. Seemed to be a terrible age for everyone. That was the year his father murdered his mother. He tried not to think about it as Vivian seemed to begin to calm down, even if the tears hadn’t stopped falling. Her voice was back to that uncaring tone, and Theo thought that was a bit odd.

And then Vivian told him the story of her father and mother, and Theo found himself filled with almost as much disdain and hatred for them as he felt for his own father. Who allowed such sick and twisted individuals to reproduce? Who allowed them to treat their only child that way? The thought of those things happening to Vivian, happening to anyone, made Theo’s stomach churn. Sure, he’d witnessed murder, and he’d fought in the battle of Hogwarts and he believed purebloods were better than muggles and he judged people before he really got to know them, but the thought of Vivian’s parents, his own father – those thoughts made him want to seek vengeance on them, pureblood or not. He was a pureblood, but he wasn’t above admitting there were far worse things in the world than being a bigot. It wasn’t a great thing to be, but you can bet that Theo would much rather be the judgmental person he was than ever commit the acts that his father did, or Vivian’s parents did. He clenched his jaw at the remembrance of his own childhood, the night his mother died. Watching the light leave his mother’s eyes… the sick, twisted smile on his father’s face, as if he’d just done the world a favor. But this conversation wasn’t about him. It was about Vivian, and her past, and why she couldn’t feel things, and in that instant Theo realized that that’s why she couldn’t feel. How could she sit there and says she didn’t mind being beat by her mother and touched by her father and mean it? She couldn’t. It was like she buried herself away, so she wouldn’t have to think about it, so she wouldn’t have to live it over and over again.

His mind wandered once more to the night his mother died. He remembered that anger, that pain, that fury, but it was nothing like what Vivian experienced. Sure, he’d been hit, but it was never ever because his mother found him more attractive than his father. It was because his father wasn’t his father. Rabastan Lestrange. The name was such a mystery to him even still. Even after the battle of Hogwarts, even after everything that went down, he’d still not spoken or even seen his father. He hoped that if he ever saw him he’d be able to recognize him, but – he pushed those thoughts to the back of his head again, remembering that this wasn’t about him.

He opened his mouth to say something, but the anger that welled up inside him was too much. He was unable to speak without flying off the handle just yet, so he closed his eyes, took a deep inhale, and pushed all of those memories of that night, his mother, his father, and everything Vivian had just told him far away. And then the shock set in once more.

“Vivian…” he said, removing his arm from her shoulder so he could look at her face. “You can’t be serious. I’m…” he paused momentarily, trying to think of the words to say, but it was simple. He knew what he was. “I’m so sorry.”

He was sure Vivian probably couldn’t understand sympathy or empathy if she couldn’t understand pain or happiness. But, then again, now he could understand why. Merlin if he’d ever gone through that his parents would probably be dead. Hell, he was honestly surprised he hadn’t killed his father yet. But Theo didn’t have the connections that his father had, and since there was no proof of what happened to his mother he’d be brought before the Wizengamot on the charges of killing an innocent man, and then where would he be? Azkaban? Rotting away for life? Where his ‘father’ should be? No, that wasn’t the life he wanted. He would get revenge for his mother someday, on his own time, but he didn’t have time to dwell on that right now.

“I had no idea…” Theo muttered shortly, his brows furrowing in confusion before he looked at her again, before realizing he could now tell her what she so desperately wanted to hear. “I understand now. Maybe not so fully, but better than I did.”

But he wasn’t done. He still wouldn’t allow her to think that what she did was okay with him; it wasn’t. He told her not to do something, and she disregarded his wishes completely.

“But that doesn’t mean you can go around and do whatever you want with whoever you want. If I tell you I don’t want to do the weird things with you, I mean it. And no amount of screaming or passionate kissing is going to change that, Vivian. I won’t see you like that, especially now… after what you’ve said. But… I understand why you are the way you are,” he said, hoping his reassurance of his understand wouldn’t fall on deaf ears as his request had.

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian was just more confused when Theo told her that he was sorry. "Why, Theo?" she said "You didn't do anything." Theo wasn't even there! Him being sorry made no sense. How could he be sorry for something he didn't do? Vivian was never sorry for anything. She didn't see the point in it. Why be apologetic for something that was in the past. Even if you wished you hadn't done it, it was done now. Apologies were worthless. What mattered was whether or not you did it again. Even Vivian could see that.

"It was a long time ago," she said, looking away. "I don't even think about it any more." Wait, why had she said that? That had been a lie; Vivian thought about it all the time. Vivian never lied, unless it was to get what she wanted. But she didn't lie to Theo, because lying to Theo was pointless. She didn't know what had made her do that. "That was a lie," she said bluntly, not liking the confusion of doing something and not knowing why she had done it "I think about it a lot. But I don't care." She knew Theo would believe that, because Theo knew that she didn't care about anything.

She looked back at Theo when he said that he understood. That was good, and made her feel a little more like her old self again. That had been what she had wanted from the start. Getting what she wanted was bringing back some normalcy, which was reassuring. She smiled, but then stopped because it was fake, and now wasn't the time for fake, appeasing smiles. But her eyes looked a little less dead and filled with despair.

"I think that if I could feel it, I'd feel sad about it a lot of the time," she said, trying to capitalise on Theo's new found 'understanding'. "I don't think it was very nice, at the time," she said, her brow furrowing slightly, getting the same look on her face she always got when trying to understand or feel an emotion. Like she was trying to remember something from another life. "But that means that for me, not feeling things is good, right?" she looked at Theo expectantly; he was the authority here on feelings.

Vivian realised suddenly that she had stopped crying. Her tears were slowly drying. She still wasn't back to her old self, and she still felt pretty bad, but she was starting to think that it might fade away. The feeling of things never being okay again was going away. Vivian had an idea, and wrapped her arms around Theo, giving him a hug; but it was a friendly hug. "I just wanted to feel the 'warm', before it goes," she said, matter of factly. Every now and then Vivian would say something like that, so childlike in its simplicity, and yet so indicative of how life was for her that it was heartbreaking.

"If I could love," she said, in the same manner, "I'd love you." That was, without a doubt, the most anyone could ever get from Vivian. She knew that, even as she said it, and was pleased she had said it to her friend. That was good. She didn't think Theo would love her back; she didn't think she was the kind of friend that you loved.

Vivian let go of Theo when he started speaking again, about the 'weird' stuff. Right now thinking about that kind of stuff made her feel slightly sick; that happened sometimes and she didn't know why.

"Okay..." she said, slowly, clearly thinking hard. "I'll try not to do things, even if I feel like it." That would be hard to remember, but surely she could try? Vivian wasn't one to doubt her own capabilities.

She frowned again as Theo said that he wouldn't want to do things, especially now after what she had told him. He'd asked, but telling him was bad? "Does what happened to me make me bad, Theo?" she asked. She felt slightly distressed at that, then thought why; "That's what my mum said," she said, nodding as though Theo had clarified something. If she was bad, she was bad. Its not like she could feel happy about being good, anyway.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian was confused by Theo’s apology, and he shook his head slightly. He knew she wouldn’t understand it, but that didn’t mean anything. And he wasn’t about to tell her he felt bad for her because Merlin knew what kind of spiral that would create for the Slytherin girl, so he just shook his head once more and shrugged. “Don’t worry about it,” was the best explanation he could offer without wandering into more uncharted territory with the Veela. Vivian tried to pass it off like she didn’t think about her past very often, but even he knew that was a lie. It was like him saying he didn’t think about his mother, which wasn’t true in the slightest. He thought about the girl sitting in front of him for a moment, wondering how she’d even managed to make it through something like that at the age of seven. It baffled him completely. Even as a Slytherin, he knew that what his father had done was wrong in so many ways, and so was what Vivian’s parents had done. He wasn’t above admitting that he wasn’t the best person. He wanted Purebloods to run the wizarding world, and he supposed that killing innocent witches and wizards was about as bad as what his dad to his mum, but because he wasn’t directly involved in their life, he didn’t quite care so much. Being unattached from the situation made it easier to ponder the idea of taking an innocent life.

Theo was an excellent duelist, but he’d never killed anyone. Not yet. Even at the battle of Hogwarts he aimed to disarm and injure, but never to kill. Even though the Dark Lord firmly believed that you should do whatever you could to reach your goal, and Theo agreed to an extent, he couldn’t bring himself to follow in his father’s actions from so long ago. He hated his father for what he’d done, so he supposed that, in a way, if he took a life, he’d be no better than his father. Which was true. He wouldn’t be. But for the right cause? That was justifiable, right? Ridding the wizarding world of the impure. There was a goal behind the killing he might eventually do. It wasn’t just senseless violence. It wasn’t just a spur of the moment, rage-filled action like it had been with his father. He could see some of his father in himself, no matter how much he wanted to dismiss it. That’s why he pulled his wand on Vivian. He knew it, and it sickened him a little to think that he could ever be anything like the man who took his mother from him.

Vivian asked if her feeling was a good thing, and he shrugged slightly, not really being able to offer was an answer. If all Vivian was capable of feeling when she did feel was pain, and hurt, and possibly regret, than maybe her not feeling was better. Maybe it wasn’t better for everyone else involved, but maybe it was better for her. And you always put yourself above everyone else in Slytherin, that was how it worked. He cared more about his own wellbeing than he did about Vivian’s, and that would be true of pretty much everyone in Slytherin. Maybe someday someone would matter more to him than himself, but being a Slytherin… well, that didn’t really happen too often. That didn’t mean it was impossible, though.

“Maybe,” Theo said, answering the question the best he could. It was odd to think about, but Theo would still rather have the ability to feel than to not. Even if it hurt like hell, he’d still rather be able to understand what was happening to them, even if it was confusing. And then Vivian mentioned she’d probably be sad about the things that had happened to her. Theo nodded slowly. “I mean no one would blame you.” It was true. Theo had spent most of his childhood feeling sorry for himself. He spent a lot of his childhood being angry and sad and confused, but mostly angry. And then he came Hogwarts, to Slytherin, and learned how to become the steel trap he was.

Vivian wrapped her arms around him and said she just wanted to feel the warm before it left. It saddened him to see a girl he thought he knew so well so sad and alone, even when she was surrounded by people. But what could he do about it? She was like a little sister to him, especially now. He hugged her back gently. But at Vivian’s next words his eyes widened. Those words… were not ones he expected. Theo had never said I love you to anyone, or even thought about loving anyone. Liking, perhaps, having a crush on, perhaps, but love? Oh no, that was an entirely new ballpark to Theodore Nott, and not one he planned to enter with Vivian Blackwell. So he awkwardly smiled at her.

“Er, thanks,” he said with a nod. He knew she meant it with the best of intentions. Or, maybe she didn’t, but that’s how he’d choose to take it. She released him from the hug, and agreed to try and not do that stuff with him even if she wanted to. Thank Merlin! He sighed contently, appreciating the effort that Vivian would prove to show, even if it was a minute gesture to most people, Theo thought it was grand.

“Thanks,” he said a bit more seriously, and a bit surer of himself than his last thank you, but as Vivian frowned Theo found himself confused once more, and at her question Theo realized why. Vivian Blackwell clearly had a wrong sense about what was good and bad, and what made a person good and bad. She clearly had misshapen self-image, too, but Theo wasn’t about to touch that with a 100 ft pole.

“No, Vivian. It doesn’t make you bad. Your parents are the bad bloody people,” he said, anger raging within him once more at the thought that a pair of parents would do that to their own child. Sickening, disgusting, repulsive. “Your mum’s a lunatic, and your dad’s… well he’s just rubbish. They both are. You’re not bad, Vivian. What happened to you was bad.”

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian smiled as Theo thanked her, both for letting him know that she would have loved him, and that she would try not to do things he didn't like. She was sure that she had done the right thing, and made him happy, and she felt very accomplished because that wasn't something that Vivian ever did.

Vivian had a good heart, but it had been so twisted by what had happened to her, and by the coping mechanism that had developed as a result, that it was far from clear. She was a Slytherin, she was emotionless, she was part Veela and beautiful. All that added up to 'bad' in most peoples eyes. And since Vivian didn't try to be good, that just seemed to reconfirm peoples opinions about her.

But Vivian's own ideas of good and bad were very confused. Someone could learn a lot about good and bad from talking to Vivian, even if she would never understand it herself, because her misunderstanding highlighted some things about the subject; it was a lot to do with feelings, and usually not rational. Vivian was one of the most rational thinkers in the world, her judgement not clouded by emotions. But she couldn't feel what was right and what was wrong.

She listened to Theo, carefully. She wasn't bad, what happened to her was bad... well, that wasn't the clearest of lines.

"Not my dad," she said, shaking her head, "my step-dad. I don't know my dad. He went away, a long time ago. I think he's dead," Vivian tried to remember if her read dad was dead or alive. She was sure he was dead, but when she had been told she hadn't felt anything about it (obviously) and so it hadn't been important. Now it was like trying to remember something inconsequential that happened a long time ago.

She shrugged; Theo knew a lot, but even though he understood good and bad a lot better than Vivian did, maybe he didn't know everything about it. "Lots of people think I am bad." she said, like it was nothing. Like they were discussing the weather. 'Lots of people think its going to rain later,'... Vivian was definitely starting to feel more and more like her old self.

She looked back at Theo, smiling slightly. "Will you still be my friend, even if I am bad?"

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian corrected him about her step-father and he nodded. “Right, sorry,” he said, trying to keep the things straight. He’d been so concentrated on what happened to himself as well as what happened to her the small detail, which in reality was actually a rather huge one, must’ve slipped his mind. Vivian didn’t seem to care (like she ever did?) so he didn’t think too much on his error before she continued saying she’d never met her dad. How unfortunate for her. Perhaps her father had been a good man, unlike his own. He was about to tell her so, but he decided against it. She could divulge as much information about her past she wanted to him because in the long run it wouldn’t really affect her, but Theo. Theo was careful and calculating about who he told his past two. His walls didn’t come down as easily as he might have liked every now and then… except around one person, who seemed to have the ability to just make those walls not exist. Or at the very least she knocked them very low. Daphne. He pushed her to the back of his mind, focusing back on the task at hand.

She mentioned that lots of people thought she was bad, and he nodded slowly. That much was true. Daphne hated her, and he was pretty sure Archer didn’t care much for her either. He hadn’t a clue about AJ or any of the rest of them, though, but the fact that he could name at least two people right off the bad who didn’t like her… he could only imagine those in other houses and how they felt. He didn’t want to think about it, really. It’d only make him angry. She was a privileged pureblood, at least, which was more than a lot of the members of other houses could say. Sure they might be pureblooded, but privileged? Likely not.

At Vivian’s question as to whether or not he’d be her friend if she was bad, and he let out a laugh as a smirk fell upon his face.

“Yeah, Vivian. Well, so long as you’re not bad to me,” he said, playfully winking in her direction, and for the first time in what felt like an eternity things seemed to be getting back to normal between the two of them. Vivian was becoming less and less emotional by the second, and Theo was back to being his playful self.

“If… if you’re okay, now. I’m gonna go shower. This charm will likely wear off soon, and I’d rather my stench not kill you,” he said with a laugh before he placed a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll catch you around, Viv.”

He rose from where he sat on the desk and wandered out the door of the potions room, not bothering to look back. If the sobs began again, he wouldn’t be the cause or the cure. It was time to worry about himself for the day.

((end))