Nothing Comes Easy :: Harry

[ginny]

Ginny left the castle, feeling slightly apprehensive.

Harry had agreed to meet her on the lawns that afternoon. They hadn't spoken all that much since the battle in May. Ginny knew she hadn't been easy to talk to, since Fred had died. She'd gone from being inconsolable to closed off, and cold. Being 'fine' was just how she was handling everything. If she let herself be not ok, then she felt she would break down. If she acted strong, she would be strong. If she let herself cry, she might never stop.

Classes were over for the day, but it was still fairly early. The sun was still out, and there was some warmth. Ginny wore a light jumper, and felt quite comfortable. But she was nervous about speaking to Harry. She didn't know where she stood with him, and though she might say to her friends that she was happy to take things slow, really she was unable to relax around Harry. She had thought that since Voldemort was gone, and there was no obstacle to their being together, that they would sort of just... be together. But it hadn't happened that easily. Nothing was just coming easily, after the war. Everything wasn't just slipping back to normal. They had to work at normal.

Ginny thought of Ron and Hermione, and felt another twinge. She was sure Harry would want to know the role she had played in kidnapping his best friend, locking him in a room, and forcing him into an emotional confrontation with Hermione. But Ginny stood by what she had done. Harry may be Ron's best friend, but Ginny was his sister. She knew when he needed help, even if Harry couldn't see it. And Hermione was her friend, she had had to help her out.

Finally reaching the lawns, Ginny sat down, her knees bent up to her chin, looking out over the castle. She liked coming here, because the surrounding Hogwarts scenery was one of the few things left totally unchanged by the war, and the battle that had taken place here. Ginny ran a hand through her long red hair, tousling it slightly, letting it blow in the gentle breeze, and waited.

[harry]

Despite his decision to return to Hogwarts after Hermione had talked some sense into him; Harry still didn’t feel as if anything was the same. He wasn’t sure why he’d expected the castle’s inner walls to return the feeling of home to him, but he’d been sorely mistaken. There was no warmth inside of the school like there had been, and he knew it was because of all the melancholy faces that were walking past. Everyone he knew more or less kept to themselves, too afraid to mention the war, too afraid of bringing even more hurt to the ones around them. Too afraid, if you asked Harry, to face their own hurt. He’d faced his hurt, oh, he’d faced it by himself time and time again, but the young man seemed to have forgotten that not everything could be faced alone. He had agreed to meet Ginny on the lawns because it was the right thing to do, no, more than that, because he had to talk to her about Ron. Ron was still his best friend, and he would be blind not to notice that he wasn’t the same Ron anymore. He kept thinking: He just needs time, but time had passed, and was continuing to pass, and all he saw was Ron doing more damage to himself than any real good. What about you Harry? he wondered, Have you done any real good since the war? His face coloured a bit at that thought. He crossed the lawns to the place where he spotted her, sitting with her legs pulled up real tight against her body, like she was afraid that at any moment she’d lose herself… Or, maybe, he decided, lose Ron.

”Ginny,” he announced his presence and greeted the red-headed girl with. He did his best to force a smile, but he didn’t expect her not to notice. She’d paid so much attention to him all of these years, after all, even if he hadn’t completely noticed himself. Not at first, anyways. He sat down on the left side of her, glancing over at her curiously. The silence lingered between them, perhaps for too long a time, but Harry took this opportunity to just… look at her. She’d really grown, she wasn’t just a girl anymore, no, she’d become a young woman. Romance was far from the thing on his mind today, he had to help return peace to his friends lives. It was his responsibility, and his alone.

He didn’t know how to start. Was he just supposed to be like: “So, about Ron?” No, he had more common sense than that, and plus he was genuinely concerned about her too. ”How’ve you been?” he asked, wiping his sweaty palms on his pant legs. Gosh, he was nervous. He felt like he owed her an explanation all of a sudden, as to why he’d stayed away for so long, but then… She knew, didn’t she? Of course she did. He managed to calm himself down a tad, glancing down at his lap while he attempted to better gather his thoughts.

[ginny]

Ginny was startled as she heard Harry say her name; she hadn't heard him approach. She looked up, and watched as he smiled. But it was so force that she couldn't bring herself to smile back.

She didn't know why Harry would have to force a smile around her. She didn't like the way it looked. He seemed nervous, and agitated, and not the Harry she knew. Things shouldn't have to be this way. Hadn't they been through enough? Didn't they deserve some kind of happiness?

He sat down next to her, and Ginny stared ahead of her. "I've been fine," she said, not really knowing how to answer that. She had been trying to be fine, at least, and mostly she had succeeded. Deep down she knew she wasn't fine, but what did that matter? She didn't really feel like she could talk to Harry when he was being like this. Everything was so awkward between them.

Ginny had loved Harry and she was devastated when he left her, even though she had understood why he had had to. Then the prospect of a world without Voldemort had seemed so far off and unattainable. But now it was here, and things still weren't right. She had thought they would be together again, but that hadn't happened, and now she found herself doubting everything. She missed Harry, she missed him a lot, but she wasn't going to wait around for him forever, or start asking him how he felt about her or if he wanted to be with her; she still had her pride.

"How are you?" she said, really just for the sake of saying something.

[harry]

She wasn’t looking at him… why wasn’t she looking at him? He would’ve been downright daft not to notice. He wasn’t upset, not at all; it’s just that… it hurt. He continued to make as if nothing was really wrong, though he knew that his façade wouldn’t hold up. He studied Ginny carefully, trying to find the Ginny that he once knew in the fearful girl sitting beside him in the here and now. Neither one of them could recognize each other, that much was clear. She wasn’t fine, Harry knew her too well to ever believe that lie. It’s not like she was intentionally deceiving him, everyone was claiming to be “just fine” these days. At the same time, everyone knew that the majority of the wizards at Hogwarts were far from fine. ”Good, good,” he said, not sure why he couldn’t bring himself to say anymore. Why had he even bothered to meet her if he was going to be silent like this? He stared off, completely spaced out as he wondered all of these things. He hadn’t meant for his response to sound so careless.

It took him a moment or two to register that he was being spoken to once again. ”Oh, me?” he said rather stupidly, eyes going wide before he pointed to himself. His hand soon dropped, and all he did was shrug a shoulder. ”No one is alright. I want to fix everything, I do, but I don’t know how. We’ve defeated Voldemort, we’ve ridden the world of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, but how can anyone come to care about that… any of it… when their loved ones are dead? I feel so responsible, all of the time, for dragging all of you into this when it was my battle to fight. I’m so sorry Ginny… I’m so sorry,” Harry rambled on, pleading with the redheaded girl. He had never meant for any of this to happen, but it had. His hands were tied. He looked more than his fair share of exasperated, and his gaze hadn’t left Ginny’s face, trying to gauge what she may have been thinking. He felt responsible; surely everyone must have known that. He couldn’t get through to Ron, and there was nothing he could do about the way Hermione felt. It was up to Ron to fix things between himself and Hermione; Harry had little to do with that, though it wouldn’t keep him from trying. And what about you and Ginny? his mind all of a sudden questioned.

He wanted to comfort her, or at least say something that would make her look less sad. She’d lost Fred, and now she must have felt like she was losing Ron too. ”What can I do… Ginny?” he asked, really feeling at a loss. Hell, he’d been feeling at a loss for months now, he was just tired of ignoring it, finally. He didn’t expect her to have all the answers, but maybe they could be there for each other enough to brainstorm some ideas? He wasn’t about to just let this all drop.

[ginny]

Ginny looked back at Harry as he spoke, talking about how he felt guilty, how things were his fault. He couldn't really believe that, right? He had saved them all. If it wasn't for Harry, Lord Voldemort would have won, and god knows what would have happened to them now. Ginny and her family for certain would be dead. Yes, they were pure bloods, but they were considered blood traitors. They had supported Dumbledore, and of course they had supported Harry.

If Voldemort had won, there was no way they would have gone over to his side. They would have rather died. And that would have been the choice. If Harry hadn't done all that he had done, their choice would have been death.

She shook her head as she listened. Harry hadn't dragged them into anything. Even if Ron hadn't been Harry's best friend, even if Harry hadn't been a member of the family, and Ginny's boyfriend (or whatever he had been after they broke up) they still would have fought. Her parents had fought against Voldemort the first time, they had always stood on the side of the Order of the Phoenix. Even without Harry, they would have been on the Orders side, and they would have fought in the final battle. It was a miracle that they had lost so few, and that was all thanks to Harry.

"You can't honestly believe that," she said "it wasn't your fault, Harry. You saved us all. And you didn't drag us into anything! My family would have fought, no matter what."

"You don't need to do anything, Harry," she said. He had already done enough. "I just... what's going on, with us? What is it you want? I don't understand..."

[harry]

The problem was that Harry believed every bit of what he was saying. Yet, she was shaking her head at him. Why was she shaking her head? Couldn’t she see that it was, at the very least, partly true? He couldn’t deny the point she'd raised, but even so… He couldn’t place why it was so much easier to blame all of this on himself, to take the brunt of all that had happened and just… blame it on himself.
”I do though… Ginny. I feel it, every day, when I see what Ron has become due to all of this. When I see all of the pain that all of our friends are still going through.” Maybe Harry was in denial, yes, but he needed her now, that much was clear. He wasn’t sure that he could tell her though; tell her that he needed her. Don’t make a mistake Harry. Don’t have any more regrets, he told himself, trying to gain the courage he needed to tell Ginny how he figured things ought to be between them.

And then her question came about, and it was unavoidable. He took a moment, trying to think of the best way to word what he wanted to say. From the heart, he thought, though he felt reasonably awkward. Not awkward for what he was about to say, really, just awkward that he hadn’t said it sooner than now. ”That’s exactly what I want,” he began, a warm smile overtaking his features. He resisted the urge to reach out to her, in case it was too soon. (Too soon for her that is.) ”Us,” he clarified shortly after. ”I… well…” he could feel his courage wavering, but his desire won out. ”I love you, Ginny. You know that I love you, and I only ever meant to keep you safe. Now I just feel like all I’ve done is let both you and Ron down. I’m so sorry…” he apologized, red hot from embarrassment as a few tears came streaming down his pale cheeks. Looking away in attempts to hide the obvious display of emotion, his mind was swimming with ideas of how the Weasley girl might respond.

He’d spoken the truth. He’d spoken from his heart. What more was there that he could do than that? He knew that ultimately, Ginny would understand, and appreciate his honesty. ”I don’t want to let any more people get hurt…” he said in a hushed tone, staring off blankly at nothing in particular. He wasn’t spaced out, no, just continuing to blame himself and drown out his accomplishments with self-created shame. He found himself wondering if she could ever forgive him. Why he was so blind to all that he had done was largely in part due to how hard he’d taken the loss of all of their friends, and family. He was grieving, yes, but not necessarily in a healthy way.

[ginny]

Ginny listened to Harry, trying to understand where he was coming from; she could only imagine how hard all of this must have been for him, and especially to be the only person in the world in his position. No one else could truly understand how Harry felt, but Ginny wanted to try.

She knew that he meant what he felt, and that he felt responsible, and in a way, he was. He was responsible for the downfall of Voldemort, and for the side of the Order of the Phoenix standing a chance against him. And yes, there had been some losses around the way. But still, Harry was responsible for all the good, and the losses were not his fault; they were the Death Eaters fault.

Ginny's heart was pounding after she said that she wanted to understand how things were with them, and their relationship. She felt like she had put herself out there, and she didn't know how Harry was going to respond.

A smile broke over her face when Harry said he loved her, and all the doubt fell away, like no time had passed since their time spent by the lake, when the war was still yet to come. She saw tears roll down Harry's cheeks, and saw his face was hot with embarrassment. He wasn't used to expressing his feelings in such a bold way like that. Ginny felt herself tear up slightly, but didn't want to cry; she was tougher than that, but she was just so happy. She felt herself blushing too, Harry setting her off.

"I love you, too, Harry," she said, and after a moments pause she reached out and took his hand. She laughed slightly at her own awkwardness.

"No ones going to get hurt any more," she said, gently squeezing his hand, "its all over." Harry hadn't let her down; he had done more than anyone could have asked for, and Ginny was so proud of him.