Ice Queen // Vivian & Theo

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian had been released from the Ministry relatively soon after she had arrived, thanks to her step-father, and, in no small part, Anastasia Grayson. After that Vivian had returned home, to stay with her mother and step-dad until all the charges against her were cleared.

The week spend in the company of her parents and abusers had not been kind to Vivian. Finally, she was back at Hogwarts, but she couldn't feel happy, or relieved. She couldn't feel sad about the week that had passed. She couldn't feel anything.

Both her mum and step-dad were delivering her back to Hogwarts, to both keep up appearances, and make sure Vivian didn't manage to get herself into any more embarrassing scandals on the way. It was late, and the entrance hall was deserted as the three of them walked across the threshold. Well, almost deserted.

Vivian looked up as she heard footsteps approaching, and saw Theodore Nott, a fellow Slytherin approaching them. Theo... her friend. She didn't know if he had heard she was coming back, or if it was just coincidence. She didn't really care.

"Ah, Mr. Nott," she heard her step-father say. She didn't need to look at him to see the charming smile that was evident in his voice, or ask how he knew Theo; of course he would know. "Excellent to see you. How's your father?"

John Woods was an impressive, middle aged man. He was tall, and well built, although it was clear that his formative years were behind him. He had brown hair, speckled with grey, and brown eyes, lined with wrinkles. Rather than making him look past his peak, these features made him look distinguished. He had the appearance of an intelligent, charmingly friendly man. And he could live up to that appearance, when it suited them.

Vivian's mother, Alena Woods, had a look of a great beauty, aged. You could see traces of Vivian in her face, and in her blonde hair, which was pined back perfectly, not a hair out of place. Her make-up and clothing were both perfect. But nothing could hide the wrinkles creeping across her face, and every day her beauty faded a little more. She was not happy about the prospect. Alena Woods smiled at Theo, although it was slightly terse as she sized up the attractive young man who had apparently come to greet her daughter. She remembered a time when men would throw themselves at her feet.

Immediately she turned to Vivian, saying "Oh, darling, you really should wear more make-up. You have terrible bags under your eyes. It makes you look so old."

It was true that Vivian did have bags under her eyes. It was obvious she hadn't been sleeping. Vivian didn't react to her mothers comments.

John laughed. "Now, Alena," he said, "I think our Vivan looks just beautiful." He put a hand on her shoulder, his arm crossing behind her back, and swept a strand of hair out of her face in a seemingly harmless gesture, like she was a doll he was particularly proud of. Vivian stared straight ahead.

Alena immediately changed tack. "Of course she's beautiful," she said. She took a hold of Vivian's chin, and pointed her face at Theo, her bony fingers digging into her daughter. "Isn't she beautiful, Theodore?" She was displaying Vivian like a doll, demeaning her, but Vivian didn't care. She stared at Theo as though not really seeing him. Her step-dad laughed, as though it was all light-hearted fun.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

It was late. Too late to get dinner, and yet Theo found himself wandering toward the Great Hall anyway. He'd spent most of the past week with Daphne, and it really was blissful. It was wonderful, she was wonderful. But Theo couldn't help the fact that, in the back of his mind, each day that Vivian didn't return had his worry mounting. His owl had gotten intercepted, she was taken to Azkaban without a second thought, so many horrible situations ran through his head, each one placing more and more guilt onto him. He didn't want to feel guilty, but it was his fault she was taken by the Ministry in the first place, and despite her best efforts to assure him of her safety he knew it was something he could never be sure of until he saw her again in person.

Throughout the week the rumors flew, and Theo knew they would. If there was any doubt about Theo's allegiance before there wasn't a doubt now. He was death eater aligned, and by association, so was Vivian. There were whispers of I knew it that followed him everywhere, McGonagall had tried to talk to him about the rumors but he didn't say much of anything. It was useless to try and talk to him about it, it wasn't like he was going to say anything one way or another. It was a waste of both of their time, but naturally McGonagall was all about procedure, but the rumors didn't stop, and he was sure they'd continue for quite some time. Not like they bothered Theo. They were true after all, and Theo wouldn't apologize for his beliefs and his actions.

But the fact that Vivian still wasn't back bothered him, so he'd taken to making rounds around the castle. For what reason he wasn't really sure, but it made him feel the slightest bit better. The Entrance Hall was abandoned, but that's when he heard footsteps approaching and he furrowed a brow, and as his eyes lifted from the ground to where the steps were coming from he felt himself stop in his tracks, his stomach turning with a mixture of happiness, regret, and disgust. He kept his face calm and cool as he stared into the faces of Vivian's parents. He clenched his jaw for only a moment, knowing he'd have to keep up appearances no matter how badly he may have wanted to absolutely bloody obliterate the both of them until the ends of the earth. But it was as his eyes fell onto Vivian that he felt the most shock overtake him. He was so happy to see her, but that look in her eyes... it broke him slightly.

No. No. She wasn't supposed to go with them. She was just supposed to come back here. She wasn't supposed to see them. How long had she been with them? The look in her eyes... the distant look he knew too well, it hurt to see it. He inhaled slightly, trying not to let his emotions, his anger, his regret, his guilt eat him alive. He was pulled from his thoughts as he heard his name, Mr. Nott. He looked at John Woods, the man he'd owled to get Vivian out of the situation he put her in. He was thankful that the man had followed through on his word, but he never, ever expected her to be brought back by them. He never expected her to see them, and the fact that he had put her in that situation made him feel that much worse.

He nodded, smiling the best that he could manage at the man. "Likewise," he lied through his teeth, "My father's doing well." He didn't know if that was the truth or not, and truth be told he couldn't care less about whether or not his father was well or even alive. His eyes remained trained on the family in front of him, every once in awhile he'd find his flicking to Vivian, but she just stared... stared that same blank stare she used to have sometimes, but even now it was more prominent. Even just standing there she looked like a shell, and there was a part of Theo that hated himself for it.

He looked at her mother, and he fought his hardest not to allow his eyes to narrow. Jealous twat. He was enraged as he stared at the two of them, both past their youth, both too proud and pathetic to let it go. He'd never forget what Vivian had told him about them. He never thought he'd have to come face to face with them.... He didn't realize how upset what she'd told him had made him until right now. As her mother began to fuss over her, saying she needed to wear more makeup his jaw visibly clenched and his eyes narrowed for only a second as he fought back several nasty comments in his head, all directed at making her mother absolutely livid. But that wouldn't change what happened, and it would likely only make things worse for her next time she went home. As her mother and father practically posed her to present her he was filled with absolute disgust. He wanted nothing more than to spit at the pair of them and tell them to not bother worrying about Vivian anymore because she didn't need them, but he knew that was far past his boundaries, but he'd not let them treat her like this... this porcelain doll that was meant for nothing more than showing off and not get his own digs in.

"Oh she's very beautiful. So much so that 90 percent of the male population here at Hogwarts wishes they were as close to her as I am," he said narrowing his eyes slightly. "It was great of you to bring her back, but I think I've got it from here," he said, his eyes finding Vivian again. He wanted to scream that he was sorry. She didn't deserve this. She couldn't have known this is what it would get her. He didn't. If he had... he'd take his time in Azkaban over allowing those pathetic people that call themselves her parents to set foot anywhere near her. But he couldn't tell her that now.

"Ready to go Viv?" he flashed her his best grin as he waved her forward, wanting them to be out of there as quickly as possible. The less time they spent around her parents the better.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Alena Woods eyes narrowed slightly at Theo's comment. 'As close as I am to her'... she didn't like the way this handsome young man, a pureblood from a prestigious family, stood by her daughter and called her beautiful. She was supposed to be the beautiful one.
"Only 90 percent..." she said, delicately, with a benign smile.

John Woods laughed again.
"That sounds like Vivian," he said, squeezing her shoulder in what was obviously supposed to be a fatherly gesture. After Theo's words he was looking at him with much more interest. Clearly the Woods had drawn their own conclusions about Theo and Vivian's relationship, and her step-father seemed more interested than he should be. "You'll take care of her, won't you?"

Theo said that he could take it from here, and her step-dad nodded, smiling.
"Of course, of course," he said, patting Vivian's shoulder. "You kids go, have fun." He leant over and planted a kiss on Vivian's cheek, like any father would to a daughter, but Vivian stiffened, and didn't relax when he moved away from her.
"Your luggage should be in your dorm," her mother said, not even bothering at this point to pretend to be affectionate towards Vivian, not after the attention her husband had just shown her. "Goodbye, dear. Goodbye, Mr. Nott," her eyes met Theo's for a split second, and then she turned to leave.
"Yes, goodbye Theodore," said John with a charming smile, before he too turned, and followed his wife.

Vivian looked at Theo, now that they were alone. She knew she had done all of this for him, but she couldn't remember why. Oh sure, she could remember the reasons, she just couldn't remember why they had been reasons in the first place. Vivian hadn't spent that long with either of her parents since she had been around seven years old. Even during the summer they had always been travelling, Mrs Woods trying to keep away from her beautiful daughter, keep her husband away, out of pure jealousy. It had been so long since she'd had to deal with them in such a concentrated dose like that, that she had been totally unprepared. She hadn't realised how soft she had gotten over the years. But never mind; she'd hardened pretty quickly.

When Theo had first met Vivian she had been cold, emotionless, but still not like she was now. She had her moments when she was just a blank, but when she had arrived at Hogwarts she hadn't seen her parents in a little while. For the past couple of years they had been travelling around, and when they were at the house there were a string of endless parties and functions to attend, to keep them busy. Vivian was rolled out at these parties, to be shown off to people that mattered, and that was about the only time she saw her parents. But this past week had been different. It had been the three of them, alone in the house, while her step-dad worked on getting every last charge dropped, every record wiped clean. There hadn't been any parties; that would have been inappropriate. They had gone out a few times, her mother more than her step-father. Vivian had just retreated somewhere cold and dark inside herself. Somewhere where she couldn't feel anything.

"Hi." She said, in an empty voice, and it was a mark of the fact that she and Theo were 'friends' that she spoke at all, because it really wasn't necessary. She started walking in the direction of the Slytherin common room, at a pace that seemed to suggest she really didn't care whether she got there or not.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

As soon as the number was repeated from Vivian’s mother he wanted to smack the smile right off her face. He should’ve said something different, something that she couldn’t turn around to put Vivian down and make herself feel better. Stupid woman. Stupid parents. ‘That sounds like Vivian.’ Oh how Theo just wanted to murder the both of them. He watched as her father squeezed her shoulder, which Theo was sure was supposed to look reassuring and supportive, but it only disgusted Theo further. He watched as John Woods turned his eyes on him, and he held the man’s stare with ease. He’d not be intimidated by some washed up pervert. Still, his face remained as calm as still water as John Woods asked if he would take care of Vivian. For a moment he was confused by what the man meant. There was a hint of something more there that put a bad taste in Theo’s mouth, and so he said nothing in response to the man. ‘Better than you ever did,’ he thought bitterly, refusing to allow his eyes to narrow no matter how badly they wanted to.

He inhaled gently as John and Alena finally agreed to leave. John gave Vivian a kiss on the cheek and it was almost enough to make Theo want to hurl. He saw the way Vivian stiffened, and he knew exactly what had happened during Vivian’s time with her parents. Disgusting, revolting pricks they were. Her mother didn’t bother with the pleasantries of proper goodbyes to Vivian, but she made good care to call him Mr. Nott. He wasn’t a Nott. He’d never been a Nott. And yet that was the name he was stuck with, no matter how badly he wanted to be rid of any association with that foul murderer he had once called a father. He hated that man only the slightest bit more than he hated Vivian’s parents, or that’s what it felt like at the moment. The way he was called Theodore. He’d never been that, either. He was always just Theo, even from his first day at Hogwarts. He waved goodbye to the Woods’ fighting every urge he had to hex them like there was no tomorrow.

”Goodbye,” he said, offering them the most pleasant smile he could manage as they turned to take their leave. Inwardly he was thanking Merlin he wouldn’t have to look at them for a second longer. And he didn’t let himself feel an ounce of relief until the pair of them were out the door. His eyes remained fixated on the closed door, as if part of him was expecting the pair of them to walk back in and make everything ten times more awkward again, but they never did. He and Vivian were alone now in the Entrance Hall, and he finally let himself take a good, hard look at her face. And what he saw there upset him to no end. He swallowed slightly as he stared at her, her vacant eyes, her blank stare. It was like she was gone completely. His eyebrows furrowed together as he wondered which one of them would speak first, and the second her voice left her mouth Theo felt himself bringing her into a hug. He knew it would probably be too much for her right now, but then there was a part of him that didn’t care. That part of him was just thankful she was alright… Well… alive. Alright was yet to be determined.

”I’m sorry,” he said as he released her from the quick hug and she began walking toward the Slytherin Common room. Her steps were sluggish and uncaring, without an ounce of happiness or anything close to them. This wasn’t the Vivian he knew. This wasn’t even a shell of the Vivian he knew. The girl before him was broken, and he just hoped the damage wasn’t irreparable. It was entirely his fault that she was in this situation, and it was entirely his fault that she was now the way she was. It was subsequently his fault, sure, but it still all came down to the fact that it was his fault.

He took a few steps forward and grabbed Vivian’s shoulder, impeding what little walking progress she’d already managed to make. He took a few steps so he was standing in front of her, a frown on his face.

”Are you okay? Did they… Did they hurt you?” he asked, and he wasn’t talking about the Ministry. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer to the question he’d just asked, but he knew it had to be asked. He had to know. He hated himself for putting her through her parents, he hated himself for ever allowing her to take the fall for him. Vivian was like a younger sister to him, and the fact that his actions caused her to become this way… that Vivian was now a shell because of his idea… It hurt. He wanted to tell her that they should go back, that they should find a way to alter who went with the Ministry. He wanted to tell her that he should have gone with them. He should have been locked up in Azkaban, as much as the thought terrified him. He truly believed that that would have been a better fate than reversing the progress Vivian had made at coming out of her life-long defense mechanism, such as it was.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Theo pulled her into a hug, and Vivian didn't know what to do. There was a time when she would have hugged him back, laughed and teased him for his sentimentality, but now... now she just stood there, unsure of what to do. Theo said he was sorry... Vivian didn't know why he did that, but he'd always done it. Apologised for things he had little or nothing to do with. Things that weren't his fault. People in general did that all the time. Usually Vivian would point that out to him, that it wasn't his fault and it was silly of him to apologise, but now she thought 'well, I've said it before, what's the point?'

She had only taken a few steps when she felt a hand on her shoulder, stopping her from walking, and then Theo was standing in front of her, impeding her progress.

”Are you okay? Did they… Did they hurt you?”

That was a loaded question. Vivian looked into Theo's eyes and saw a whole wealth of things there that she could no longer understand. She remembered telling Theo about what life with her family had been like, when she was younger, so she knew what he was getting at. She didn't care about telling him the absolute truth. She didn't care about anything, really.

"You mean did they rape and beat me?" Vivian said. Her voice was detached and uncaring, but her choice of words, so harsh and blunt, had an edge to them. Why, Vivian didn't know. She didn't feel 'edgy'. Maybe this was as close to a 'touchy subject' as things ever got with Vivian. But really, they both knew what he was getting at; lets call a spade a spade.

"I'm fine, Theo." She said, in the same detached, bored voice. Vivian had a habit of saying Theo's name a lot, sometimes as though she was explaining something to a child, driving it home. But now she said it as though she were just going through the motions. "It wasn't quite that dramatic. He tried some things, got some of his kicks, she slapped me. I'm not a child any more, okay." Her voice didn't inflect as though she were asking a question. It stayed flat.

Vivian's step dad had indeed 'tried some things', but for the most part she was able to stop him. Like she said, she wasn't a child any more. She wasn't afraid to say no. But that hadn't stopped him from copping quite a few feels. More than a few, and he had tried for much more than that. His hands on her had made her skin crawl. But she wasn't so helpless, now.

Her mother was no longer able to beat her daughter. Vivian was her match in strength, probably stronger, since Alena Woods had the body of a middle aged woman starving herself to keep her figure, where as Vivian was strong, young and healthy. She had slapped her, once, but Vivian hadn't thought it worth retaliating.

For the most part it was the memories that had killed her inside. Memories and near daily reminders.

Vivian stood staring at Theo, who still hadn't moved.
"Can we go now?" she asked, "Or is there something else?"

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

"You mean did they rape and beat me?"
The bluntness of her words cut through him like a hot knife and he felt suddenly like he’d gotten punched in the gut. He knew that she’d been blunt before, but never, ever quite to that degree. The last time she’d spoken about what her parents did to her she broke, she collapsed, she cried, she mourned for herself. But now… now she talked about it as if it were as common as the weather or what she got on an exam. He stood there, slightly awestruck by her words, completely unsure of what to say. Yes, that’s what he’d meant, but when she put it so blatantly he almost wished he hadn’t asked. He wanted to know if she was okay, but asking his question the way Vivian phrased it just made him feel like a dick. And maybe he was. Maybe all of this was his payback for not being as good of a friend as he should have been to her. So he stood there, staring at her, trying to think of something to say. But he didn’t know what there possibly was to say. But then Vivian began speaking, saying that she was fine. He wanted to tell her that she obviously wasn’t, that she wasn’t anything like the girl who left the school last week. But then she began speaking again, saying that it wasn’t quite that dramatic, but still the words passed her lips as if it were no big bloody deal!

Theo stood there in shock, trying to process what she was telling him. Her father had touched her again. Her mother had hit her. His eyes looked past her and toward the door that her parents had just exited through. If he ran fast enough maybe he could catch them and show them what it was like to hurt, but it was Vivian’s final words that hurt the most. ‘I’m not a child anymore, okay?’ His eyes flitted back to her, and he tried his damndest not to let the hurt that he felt show through in his face. If only Vivian realized how hypocritical she sounded, how uncaring she sounded. Maybe she did know, and she just didn’t care. Maybe she didn’t even care that he was there. Maybe she would prefer it if he wasn’t. His eyes fell toward the floor slightly. He didn’t show her enough attention before, and now when he actually did care that she was okay, was angry like she’d wanted someone to be, it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. He would never be enough, and no matter how much he felt like he should, he’d never be able to save her from her parents. It wasn’t his place, even though he knew they deserved it just about as much as his father.

His eyes looked back up to her as his brain still tried to process what he could say. There wasn’t much, and even if he did have something profound and wonderful to say, would she care? No. She wouldn’t, and he knew it and so did she. ”I’m sorry,” he said again, the words feeling more pathetic each time they left his mouth. The thought of her step-father doing anything with Vivian was repulsive, and the thought of her mother hitting her just enraged him on the inside. He should have hexed them, he should have done something, he should have gone instead of her. He should have taken his own fall. She didn’t deserve this.

”You should’ve just let me go. Then you wouldn’t have had to deal with that. You’d be…” he paused, unsure if he wanted to start this conversation now. But hell, it would happen eventually. ”You’d be the way you used to. It should have been me.” he said, but then Vivian asked if they could go now, or if there was more. He felt disheartened, disappointed, and hurt. Vivian had been such a good to him, and now it was like she didn’t care if he was even there. Like his questions were an annoyance, something that she didn’t want to deal with.

”Of course there’s more,” he said with a sigh, unable to keep his mouth shut anymore. ”Do you have any idea what it’s like to see you like this? Do you have any idea how much it hurts? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have you stand there and act like I don’t even matter? Like I’m an annoyance? When you used to want to talk to me about…stuff,” he said, for lack of a better word. Vivian confided more in him than he could remember throughout the years, and he’d never betrayed the confidence she had in him. But none of that mattered now.

”Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to just deck the both of them for what they did to you?” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets angrily as he started to let his emotions get the best of him. He breathed in a large breath through his nose and held it in as his eyes remained fixed on Vivian and he let it out slowly through his nose, calming down the best he could. 'You're not fine, Vivian."

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Theo said he was sorry again. Those words, 'I'm sorry'. Vivian had speculated before, and she thought it again now, that people said that more for themselves than for the other person. Said it like a mantra to themselves. 'I'm sorry'. 'I am sorry'. They weren't a bad person, because they were sorry. But who were they trying to convince? Vivian didn't think that Theo was a bad person. He wasn't a saint, either, of course. He was just human, like the rest of them. Flesh and bone and blood and confusion.

His mantra of 'I'm sorry' didn't seem to comfort him much. If anything Theo seemed to become more agitated, more upset. She'd never seen Theo so emotional, not when it came to her at least. She'd never seen him care so much.

She should have let him go to Azkaban? That was ridiculous, and with a sense of self-preservation like that it was a wonder he had lasted this long. Vivian was fine. Azkaban was much more permanent than a week spent with parents. But she knew Theo well enough to know she'd never make him see reason, not when he was like this. He was far too emotional. Emotional people couldn't understand logic.

”You’d be the way you used to. It should have been me.”

The way she used to? She had always been like this... well, no, not exactly like this. Over the years she had gotten soft. Especially around Theo. He had softened her, slowly but steadily, like a river cutting a path through solid rock. So slowly and gently she hadn't even noticed it happening. She had softened, she had started to feel things, sometimes small things, other times bigger. She had been warmer, more 'human', she supposed. More like everyone else. And that had been okay, because here at Hogwarts she didn't have to face reality.

But it had left her unprepared. She had gone back to her parents, softened, and she had suffered for it. The world wasn't soft and warm. It was cold, and hard, and that was the reality of it. She was harder again now, harder than she had been when she had left Hogwarts a week ago.

Vivian didn't know how much warmth it would take to thaw out her icy heart once more. And she wasn't sure she wanted that to happen.

Theo started to get angry, working himself up, ranting, and Vivian stood there blankly, unsure of what to say, but thinking that her input probably wasn't required. Then something cut through.
"...and act like I don’t even matter?..."
It was like everything Theo was saying was on a radio slightly out of tune, not quite getting through to her, and then that cut through loud and clear. For a split second his words cut into her, and then it was gone, and she wondered if she had imagined it.

Theo mattered... didn't he? Did he? She didn't know any more. She had done all of this for Theo, to keep him safe, so he must matter... but she looked at him now, a tall boy, only just entering man-hood, strong and tall, with unruly dark hair and a beard he never quite managed to keep neat... and she knew she wanted him safe. Why, what made him different from the billions of other people on the planet? She looked at him now, and didn't understand herself. She found herself confused, and squashed it instantly. She didn't like the notion of being confused.

It was a split second, not one of emotion, but of confusion, and then it was gone. Vivian returned to clarity, and looked in surprise at her hand. It was extended towards Theo, her fingertips gently touching his arm, barely there, barely touching him. She hadn't noticed. She let it fall.

The truth of it was, Vivian had no idea how much it hurt. She had no idea how it felt. She had no idea how much Theo wanted to hurt her parents. She didn't understand any of those things, and she didn't have the inclination to try to.

"This is me, Theo," she said, quietly, in the same voice. He knew that better than anyone.

Absurdly, Vivian remembered that time in the potions rooms. The time she had broken down, and actually cried. But that wasn't what she was thinking of; she was remembering what came before that. She had raged at Theo, or pretended to. She had kissed him. She had tried, tried so hard to make him understand, that she did feel... but she didn't. That a ghost of it was there, sometimes. That it was like being locked in a cage, but every time you turned to see the bars they vanished. There was nothing there. You were free. Until you tried to leave.

But he hadn't gotten it. He'd never understand. She wondered why she'd cared so much about getting him to understand her. Did she still believe that her emotions where in there, somewhere? She didn't think so.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

He watched, crestfallen as his words seem to fall on completely deaf ears. Her facial expression scarcely changed as he spoke. For a brief second, he thought he might have seen a spark, like a shooting star. It was there and then the was gone, and Vivian's face went back to being a blank, uncaring slate. The look in her eyes had been the briefest of glimpses in to the girl he once knew, but that wasn't the girl who stood before him. The girl who stood before him was a shell of uncaring, and the guilt and hurt her felt from the entire situation felt like it might swallow him completely. And still, she reached her hand out and brushed his arm ever so gently. Was he getting through to her? Was she in there somewhere? Trying to escape from the shell her parents had thrown her in? He felt a brief glimmer of hope, but it fell as quickly as her hand did. And this time he felt even more broken and dispirited than before.

He inhaled and exhaled as steadily as he could as he stood there, waiting for some kind of acknowledgment, waiting for her to say that she did understand... but as soon as the words left her mouth he knew she didn't understand. She didn't even try.

"This is me, Theo."

He felt his heart sink into his chest. He knew she believed those words. She believed this is the way she was, the way she should be, and Theo couldn't stop himself from looking towards the ground. He was filled with rage and regret and anger and hurt and pain, and it was all his fault. All of this was his fault. He lifted his eyes to meet hers and this time he didn't try to hide the hurt, or the pain. Because none of it mattered. Vivian was gone. Not permanently, but she wasn't anywhere close to being around, and Vivian just ... didn't bloody care! He inhaled as he stared at her, his eyes torn between narrowing and holding the sadness that he felt. He was torn between rage and heartbreak as he stared at his best friend, a shell of the girl she was once was.

There was so much that he wanted to say. But none of it would work. None of it would get through to her. He walked over towards the wall, and then turned back, and then he turned back to the wall and when he looked up at it he just couldn't take it anymore. He lifted his fist and punched the wall as hard as he could. He stood there, letting the sting take over his knuckles, and his hand, and his arm. He pulled his hand away, his knuckles were bloody and so was the wall, but other than that there was no damage done to the wall whatsoever. He looked at his knuckles once more and brushed them on his shirt. It would heal with time. If not, he'd go to Pomfrey. He turned back to face Vivian and he felt his heart sink even further into his stomach. It was Vivian, sure, but it wasn't. No way in hell was this... thing Vivian.

"No it's not," he muttered with a frown as his eyes fell to the floor. What more could he do? He felt defeated on top of it all. The emotions were becoming countless, and the only shred of thing they had in common was that none of them were good. His fault, his fault, his fault. Guilt, regret, anger, hurt, pain, defeated, helpless. The last emotion was perhaps the most difficult to grasp for him. He wasn't used to feeling helpless. He stood there, unsure whether they should continue on their way or if they should stay where they were. Part of him wondered what the point would be if they stayed. He'd stand there and try and explain to her that she wasn't acting like herself. That she wasn't anything like what she used to be. He missed the girl he had known already. He missed the girl who cared for him, and it hurt that this girl would just throw it all away.

He sighed, standing there, staring at her. He hadn't a clue what she was thinking, but he was trying to figure it out. He hated himself for letting her go through this, and he hated himself even more for not being able to fix it. All he wanted to do was get through to her, get her to laugh like she used to, but there wasn't even a ghost of a smile on her face, or in her voice. She was worse off than she was seven years ago, and Theo wasn't sure how long it would take for her to make that progress again.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Theo looked at her, his eyes meeting hers, and she saw so much pain, and hurt, and anger. So much that it left her bewildered. She didn't understand, but she saw that neither did he. Not really. He didn't understand any of this... they had that in common, at least.

Vivian could remember all the times she had spent with Theo. She remembered when they had first met. She had been cold then, but he had made her laugh. She remembered as they spent time together, over the years, and she had slowly opened up. She remembered how they had kissed when they had been younger, a first kiss for both of them, experimenting because they both thought they should at least see what it was like, and she remembered how his lips had been soft and warm where she had expected roughness. She remembered it had felt nice, but she couldn't recall the feeling. And, of course, she remembered how she had taken the fall for him with that letter.

She had wanted to do it. Vivian hadn't wanted to see Theo taken away, to an uncertain yet dark fate. She had cared, cared enough to take the consequences for herself. She remembered how she had hugged him, kissed him on the cheek, and told him she would be fine. She had truly believed that, and she had been right, hadn't she? She had gotten out of the Ministry in record time. But she had been soft, too soft, and too naive, and she had thought she could handle anything. And she couldn't, could she? She couldn't handle it when she was locked up in that house with them again, couldn't handle it when her step-dad had put his hands on her, reminded her of everything, of all those times... Stop. Stop, stop, stop!

The door to those memories snapped shut like a steel trap. Remembering them had been like nails on the chalkboard of her mind. She had put a hand up to her head before she had realised what she was doing, and played it off by running it through her hair, a very Vivian like gesture, but this time just going through the motions.

She had thought she could handle anything, when she had left Theo that day, but she had been thrown back into that situation, tormented by everything that had happened all over again, and something inside of her had said 'No.' She had retreated inside herself, back to the emotionless person she had once been. It hadn't been a choice. Theo seemed to think it was. It wasn't. But now she didn't know if she would choose to feel again, if she could. Really, wasn't it better this way?

Theo punched the wall, and Vivian stared at the blood on his knuckles. She understood the physical much more than she could understand the emotional. She had always been that way. And that was what made them human; they could all bleed, and when they did they all did it exactly the same.

For a moment Vivian found herself wishing that she could give Theo something more. But that had been a common theme in their friendship, even before now, hadn't it? Vivian had never been quite enough for Theo. But if she could feel, if she could be sad, and cry, and hold Theo until he knew she was back, would things really be better? Would either of them really be better off?

"I'm sorry, Theo..." she said, repeating his own mantra back to him. And then a thought struck her, one she hadn't paid mind to before; 'why haven't I just walked away?'

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

The silence that built around them was suffocating, deafening, slowly killing Theo the longer it sat. He wondered what Vivian was thinking, whether or not she understood, whether or not she cared. He knew the answer to the last one, and the guilt and sadness crashed over him once more. And the longer the silence grew the more upset and agitated Theo became. He wished. for probably the first time in his life, that he didn't have to feel everything he was being overwhelmed with. He wished he was stronger, wished he could feel no pain. He wished he could go back and change what happened. He wished it had been him.

He saw her place a hand to her head and he moved the slightest bit closer, worried that she might fall over. What had been going through her head? His brows furrowed with worry and confusion as he looked at her.

"Are you okay?" he asked, but he didn't bother listening for an answer. 'I'm fine, Theo,' replayed over again and again in his head like a bad song.

He stared at her, wishing she would say something, but nothing left her. She stood there, staring, thinking... or not thinking. Maybe she just didn't want to be there anymore. His eyes fell to the floor once more. He couldn't seem to bring himself to look at her for very long without wanting to just... explode. But not at her; at himself, because of himself. Because he ruined his best friend with his own actions, his own decisions. He should have never let her put that spell on that letter. He shouldn't have even sent it. He shouldn't have even thought about it. Rabastan Lestrange probably wanted nothing to do with him. And then he heard Vivian's voice. It was soft but distant, and just as uncaring.

His eyes found her in an instant and he was shaking his head. She wasn't sorry. She had no idea what any of this felt like. What it felt like to lose your best friend, to have her treat you like you don't matter, to have her treat you like an annoyance, to have it all be entirely your fault.

"No, you're not. And even if you are you shouldn't be. It's all my fault anyway. I shouldn't have let you put that spell on that envelope. I should have just not sent the letter, I shouldn't have written it. I shouldn't have let you take the fall for me," he said before he looked down the hall. She seemed to be staring, and he wondered if she wanted to go, wanted to be done with all of this, wanted to be done with him. He thought back to her question a few minutes ago. 'Can we go now?' Maybe that's what had been playing in her head the whole time. He looked at her, his eyes full of caring and he frowned. He wanted to tell her she could leave if she wanted, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, so instead he just walked over to the wall, and leaned against it. He examined his knuckles which were now stained with blood, and throbbing, but the throbbing he was able to ignore to a point. It didn't hurt. It didn't matter. He didn't matter. Not in that moment, when at one point he would have been the person who mattered most.

At one point Theo would have been the first person Vivian wanted to see after a week away from school, but he'd spent the week with her parents, and now it was like nothing mattered. Vivian had retreated deep inside herself and it felt like there was no hope of pulling her out of that grave he had dug. He had put her in this place. His fault, his fault, his fault. The chorus of the worst song he'd ever heard resonated in his head.

Can we go now? His fault, his fault. I'm fine, Theo...

He didn't want her to go. It was all his fault. She was not fine.

And he was helpless and hurting with little thought of what he could do to fix this broken mess he made.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Theo denied Vivian's apology, talking again about that letter. Why did everything come back to that letter? Why did Theo place so much importance on that one moment? Did he really think that if he could change that one thing, that one little decision, that everything would be different? That everything would be better? In his mind, clearly, Vivian being able to feel was 'better'.

"You really think it would have made a difference?" she asked. Even if Theo had never written that letter, surely something else would have happened. She would have had to face her past eventually, face who she really was. She couldn't hide from herself forever. Vivian found it strange that Daphne Greengrass, of all people, seemed to be the one who got it. She called Vivian 'the walking dead'. It seemed odd that Theo and Daphne would be a couple, when they had such opposing views. Daphne saw the black and white of it, where as Theo was here tearing himself up trying to deny it.

Again, Vivian wished she could do more for him. But she didn't know what. She couldn't lie, and pretend to feel. Theo would see through that in an instant. She couldn't fake emotions, not around him. And besides, even if she could, it would be empty promises.
"I never thought you cared this much," she said, tactlessly but truthfully.

Theo leaned against the wall, looking down at his hand. It was still bleeding. It looked painful. Vivian looked down the hallway, wondering if maybe it would be better for the both of them if she just walked away... or better for Theo, anyway. She was fine. She was as unshaken as she'd been when she had walked in (was that really so unshaken then, though?), she wasn't hurt, or angry, or upset... but she couldn't just walk away.

Vivian took a tissue out of her pocket, and took a step towards Theo. She raised a hand towards his, hesitating for a moment, unsure, almost deciding against it, before taking his hand, the one cut up and bloodied. She started to dab delicately at the blood, her eyes on his hand and averted from his gaze. This, at least, she could do. She could deal with his physical wounds, not his emotional ones. His hand was warm and familiar, and she focused on being as gentle as possible, replacing emotional tenderness with a physical one. It was the best she could do, and she still didn't know why she didn't just walk away. The best she could come up with was that, while she didn't feel like staying, she didn't feel like leaving, either.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian asked if he really thought if his taking the fall would make anything better, and his eyes snapped up at her immediately. Was that even a question? Was there even a doubt in her mind? There wasn't a doubt in his that him being gone would be better than seeing her like this. It wouldn't be better for him, but it would be better for her. He wouldn't have gotten the Dementor's Kiss. And he'd probably only have to serve for a few years at the most, and as much as that thought might have terrified him, he knew that he would rather be there than see Vivian like this. So numb, so uncaring, so... dead.

"Of course it would have made a difference. You'd remember how to laugh. You would have been happy to see me, but now you... now you don't even remember what that's like," he said from his place on the wall as he stared at her. He'd hoped that maybe there was some of the old Vivian there, despite her words coming out so cold and hurtful. He hoped that there was some kind of familiarity there, but none greeted him. He was left with nothing but a shell of his former friend, and her next words cut deeper than all the rest. She never knew he cared that much. How could she...? How could she think he didn't care? After all of these years, all of the laughs, all of the moments they shared... she generally thought he didn't care? He swallowed hard as his eyes looked at her, once again not bothering to hide the pain that he knew was evident there.

"You can't be serious. You can't mean that," he said, feeling slightly dumbfounded, not wanting to believe her, but he knew in his heart that she meant it. She wouldn't bother lying, and the tone in her voice gave it all away. "Do you have any idea why I was even walking around tonight? Because I was worried about you. I was worried that you were hurt, or stuck in Azkaban, or worse. I was so worried that I couldn't sleep... How could you ever think that I don't care?" he said, and he could feel his emotions getting the best of him once more, so he tore his eyes away from her and stared angrily hurt at the floor, wanting nothing more than to just... disappear, get away from all of this.

But then something happened that he didn't expect. He felt her hands on his, and a tissue was dabbing at his wounds. He flinched slightly at the touch, the throbbing becoming worse for only a second as she gripped his hand and began to clean up his cut. She was careful and delicate and precise. His eyes watched her carefully, despite the fact that she was avoiding his gaze. And it was in that very gesture that gave him the slightest bit of hope. Perhaps she wasn't lost forever. Perhaps there was a chance of getting her back. Somehow... someway. He brought his hand to her chin, and lifted it so she was forced to meet his gaze.

"Of course I care," he said simply before he glanced back down at his knuckles. They were still red, and throbbing, but the throbbing was beginning to dull. "Thank you." It wasn't often that Theo had ever thanked Vivian during the course of their friendship, never seriously, never like this. He thanked her when she took the fall, and that was the only other time he felt like he'd really, truly thanked her for her actions. She was such a good friend to him, far better than he ever deserved, and now that she was gone he was full of regret. He had been stupid, and he promised himself that if Vivian should ever return to her normal self, he'd not be that ungrateful for her again.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Again, Theo denied her words. He said that he did care, that he had been wandering the castle because he couldn't sleep, for worrying about her. Vivian didn't know what to say to that. She remembered missing Theo fiercely the first few days she had been away, and wishing he was there, someone to stand between her and her parents. But then that feeling had faded, along with the rest of them. She wondered if Theo had felt that way. It seemed like he still missed her, even though she was standing right here.

He was angry, again, but that seemed to fade almost at once when she took his hand. She felt him flinch as she dabbed at his cuts, but she didn't stop. She didn't know what good cleaning up some blood would do, but it was something, and Theo clearly needed something, even if she didn't understand why.

Then she felt a hand at her chin, much more gentle than her mothers had been. There were no fingers digging into her, only gentle push as Theo moved her gaze up towards his.

"Of course I care,"

Vivian looked back down at Theo's hand when his other hand left her chin. She was finished mopping up the blood, but she still held it tentatively, as though scared to touch it. She turned it over in her hand, her fingers delicate. After seven years, this hand was almost as familiar to her as her own. But that all felt so distant, now.

She looked back up at his face, her eyes meeting his again.
"If I could care about anyone, I'd care about you."
Her own voice echoed through her memory, as though from another life, something she had said to Theo before; 'If I could love anyone, I'd love you...'

She let his hand drop from hers.

Vivian was tired, and wanted to go to the Slytherin common room. How long were the two of them going to stand there for? They were at an impasse. Vivian couldn't give Theo what he wanted, and she couldn't seem to just walk away, either. She took a couple of slow steps away, and then looked back at Theo, her mouth opened as if to say something... but the words never came, and she closed it again. Maybe Theo would get it anyway; 'you can come with me, if you want to...'

She wouldn't object to Theo coming with her. It was his common room too, after all... hadn't she always just went where she wanted, and assumed Theo would follow, without having to ask? He could come with her now, she didn't not want him to... so he could... if he wanted.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian said nothing about the fact that he cared. Of course he cared. How could he not? Just because he didn’t see her in a romantic sense… just because he didn’t think of her in the same ways he thought of Daphne…That didn’t mean that he didn’t care. Vivian had become like a younger sister to him over the years. He was her first friend, her only friend, and Theo was kicking himself for not realizing this before. Not realizing how much he actually did care for her, how much they’d grown over the years, how close they’d grown. But still, her next words brought the slightest bit of hope that maybe… maybe all of this could be fixed. Her words were exactly the same as something she’d said before. She’d said in the potions room that if she could love, she would love him. And while he’d appreciated the gesture then, and still did, he was weirded out by it simply because he didn’t and couldn’t see her like that. But these words…. If she could care about anyone, she would care about him.

Defeat crashed into him again as he wanted to tell her that she did care. Ever since she was eleven she cared about him. Maybe it was because he was her first and only friend at Hogwarts. He didn’t know how or why she cared about him, now that he thought about it. He didn’t really deserve it, seeing as he was a jerk to her a lot of the time. But he was always that way, even when they were younger. From the first day they met they both knew what they were getting themselves into, at least to a certain degree. They were young and naïve and Theo knew that Vivian was bossy and Vivian knew Theo was a cocky ass. They’d always been that way, and they’d always functioned perfectly fine. But… that had been years ago, and looking back on it… did they have any idea what they were getting into? Theo had no idea about Vivian’s parents, or why she was so cold and detached, but he never let it bother him before. Well, that was because she’d never been quite so bad before. She’d always laughed… but now it seemed like there was nothing. Like she wouldn’t even remember how to do it. And Vivian… did Vivian know then that Theo would be a death eater? That his father wasn’t his real father and his father murdered his mother? Neither of them knew about the burdens they carried on their 11-year-old shoulders and in their 11-year-old-hearts. They hadn’t a clue, and none of it mattered then. They’d lived blissfully and carelessly in ignorance… and somehow all of those things that didn’t matter then seemed to be all that mattered now. At least that’s what it felt like for him.

”I know,” he said, despite how much he wanted to tell her. How different she’d been. Did she even realize? Yes. Did she care? No. She probably figured she was better off that way, but he didn’t think so. Maybe this all came down to how selfish he was. Maybe it was all because he wanted what was better for him, not her. But how could not feeling possibly be any better for her? She was so cold and uncaring. It put other people off… She wasn’t “happy.” So how could that be any better? She let his hand fall back to his side, and his eyes finally lifted to meet hers again. What more was there to say? What could he do to possibly persuade her? She could care, if she wanted to. And she could feel, if she wanted to. No matter how badly her parents treated her. If she wanted to come out of that shell of herself, Theo knew she’d be able to.

He watched as she began to walk away. She only got a few steps away before she turned around. Theo didn’t bother to ask where she was going. He knew. She was going to the common room. She was probably exhausted, even though she didn’t look it. She turned back to look at him, and he just stared at her, watching as she opened her mouth to say something but no words came out. He looked at her for a moment, and considered what he could say, but there was nothing there, either. So instead he shrugged and pushed gently off the wall before starting to follow closely behind.

He walked up to her before placing a hand on her shoulder. ”We’ll fix this eventually, kid,” he said, and inwardly he promised himself that he would. He would fix this mess he made. Somehow. But for now, maybe it was best if they both just went to bed. So he started walking, waving a hand for her to follow, not that she needed to. She knew where he was going.

[/blockquote]