Break In // Vivian&Theo

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

I didn't wanna escape from the bricks that I laid down,
You are, the only one, the only one to tease me, trust me and believes me,
You are, the only one, the only one that knows me and in the dark you show me,
Yeah its perfectly reckless, damn, you leave me defenseless,
so break in...

Vivian had been back at Hogwarts a few days now, and honestly, they all seemed to just blur together. There were a lot of whispers surrounding her, but she barely noticed. She didn't really speak to anyone. She just wasn't really interested. She didn't even seek out fun all the time, like she used to. Vivian no longer felt 'bored' all the time. Sure, she'd do what she wanted, but 'fun' just didn't seem that important any more.

Theo's outlook on how she was now had not improved. He should be glad that she was back, cleared of all charges, and that he had avoided Azkaban, but instead he seemed more miserable than ever. And now he was dragged her out of dinner (she hadn't really been hungry, anyway) to bring her down to the potions rooms. He said that there was something he wanted to show her. Despite herself, she didn't really want to deny Theo what he wanted. She could give him so little these days, and she didn't care if she went down to the potions rooms or not. Theo obviously did, so she may as well go along with him.

The dungeons were deserted, since everyone was at dinner, and the potions classrooms were sure to be empty, since there were no lessons at this time. And Theo was the only nutter who actually enjoyed doing extra potions work. She assumed that this was all something to do with a potion he had brewed, and she she thought it was probably a good thing he was staying involved in his other interests. Clearly she couldn't be the friend that he wanted. Maybe it was better if he kept himself busy with other things, so he could carry on his life without her.

They finally arrived in the potions classroom, and Vivian looked around, nothing in particular jumping out at her.
"What?" she asked, plainly, her voice a blank.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian was still in her shell, and he knew she could tell that he was still unhappy about it. Honestly, he didn’t really try to hide the fact that he was less than pleased about his best friend coming back from her trip to the Ministry as a former shell of herself. But up until today he hadn’t really been in the mood to do anything to fix it. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to fix it, of course, he just wasn’t really sure what approach to take. Sure he could tell her until he was blue in the face that she’d changed, that she had cared, that she could care. But none of that would make her want to. But today… today he hatched a plan and now that it as dinner he’d decided to throw the plan into action. He knew dragging Vivian off in the middle of dinner would probably throw Daphne the wrong kind of message so he made sure to kiss her goodbye nice and long before he ended up dragging her out into the hall. It wasn’t the sorting feast, so students, especially older students, were free to come and go as they pleased.

It hadn’t been easy to get her down to the potions room, though. There had been lots of begging and pleading and prodding along the way. ‘I just want to show you something,’ he’d said over and over again. She didn’t seem to care one way or the other, not that she would. But when they finally arrived at the potions room he knew exactly what he was doing. Vivian glanced around the room, seemingly unimpressed with it all. Of course she was unimpressed. Vivian Blackwell had always been hard to impress, not that Theo ever particularly tried, and he still wasn’t trying. But he had an idea and he was almost positive it would work. But, then again, perhaps it was all wishful thinking.

”Just, sit,” he said with a grin, pointing to the desk where she’d sat the last time they were in this room. He didn’t want to remind her of the break she’d had that day, but he did intend to remind her of that day just a little. He thought back to that day in the potions room with a smirk on his face as he again mentally listed the three things she’d wanted. Something for her, something fun, and something for him. He didn’t plan on making all three again, of course, but that first one. That first one was going to happen. Vivian Felicis. He wondered for a moment if she remembered, or if she cared, but he didn’t question it as he began rummaging through the room and finding the things he needed. He grinned at her once he finally laid it all out on the table and began to do his thing. He wondered how long it was going to take her before she realized what he was up to. After all, Vivian was uncaring, not stupid.

”You didn’t eat much tonight at dinner. Why?” he asked. It was kind of a weird question, it was weird that he’d even noticed. But since she’d came back a shell of herself he’d been noticing more and more the things she wasn’t doing, the things that were good for her that she avoided, like eating. How could you not want to eat? Food was so delicious. But still, the fact that she hadn’t been eating, even though it wasn’t like she wasn’t eating every meal, left him even more uneasy. She was already a shell, but a shell that wouldn’t eat? Why not just put her outside on the pitch and watch the wind blow her away?

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian looked at Theo for a moment as he told her to sit, before deciding to go along with it. She walked over to the desk, sat down on top of it, and started to get a feeling for what Theo was up to.

Did he think the problem was that she had forgotten everything? That she was brainwashed or something? That she only needed to remember? She remembered everything, even the feelings, she just couldn't feel them any more. She couldn't understand them, or empathise with the person she had been a few weeks ago.

She thought that Theo was going to end up very disappointed if his efforts failed. She could see how upset he was over the whole thing. Although he hadn't been quite as emotional, or in her face as much as he had been the night she had come back. In fact he hadn't spent a hell of a lot of time with her, but that was fine with Vivian. Time would have been when it wasn't, but now she just didn't really care. He was spending most of his time with Daphne, which was probably good. Vivian might be a cold emotionless shell, but she didn't want to see Theo go to pieces if he couldn't get the 'old Vivian' back. That would be... awkward.

He started busying himself, gathering ingredients, and Vivian could see he really thought that whatever plan he'd hatched would work. She didn't think it would. She wondered how she would handle it, if he got upset again... and then decided it probably wouldn't matter. He would be upset, no matter what she did. The one thing he wanted, she couldn't give him.

Theo asked why she hadn't eaten at dinner and Vivian shrugged.
"Not hungry," she said, which was the truth. She didn't spare a thought for the fact that it was odd that Theo had even noticed what she ate. She was eating more now than she had been at her parents house, but she still didn't have an appetite. She had lost some weight, but it wasn't terribly obvious. She didn't expect Theo to notice.

Vivian watched him for another minute, and then spoke, forcing her voice to be gentle for the sake of social lubrication. She never did that normally with Theo, and she knew he'd see straight through it. She still sounded emotionless, but at least her voice wasn't harsh and blunt.
"Theo... what are you doing?"

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian said she wasn't hungry, and Theo accepted the answer with a small shrug as he concentrated on the potion he was concocting. Just the right amount of alcohol, just the right amount of felix felicis. It was hard to come by, but Hogwarts had a stock that students weren't supposed to go into .Theo never really listened to that rule though. Obviously. He was so busy concentrating on the potion and getting it together that at first he hadn't heard Vivian's question, but when the words eventually cleared his head they hit him like a ton of bricks. He looked up at her, his eyes slightly narrowed.

"You don't have to fake it, Vivian," he said, his words coming out the slightest bit more angry than they should have be. He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. "Sorry. It's just... don't do that. I'm not stupid. And... I'm making you something." It was true. He wasn't really sure what he hoped to accomplish. Did he actually think making this one little potion would make everything normal again? No... But would it help? Maybe, and if it had even the slightest bit of possible help he'd do it. He knew his attempts were probably in vein, but... he'd not stop trying. He mixed the ingredients together for a few minutes before it billowed with grey smoke. A satisfied grin spread across his face as he scooped some into a flask for her.

He turned to her, mustering the best grin he could as he handed her the flask. If Vivian felt like she had to start faking emotions around him he must have been a lot more visibly upset about this whole thing than he thought he was. He was usually pretty good at managing his emotions, and he hadn't really been quite as upset since the first night Vivian was back. He'd gotten almost used to the fact that Vivian didn't want to do anything or feeling anything, but there was still that part of him that absolutely refused to accept it. He didn't care if this Vivian didn't want to feel anything or do anything. He missed the Vivian who would get students drunk in the library with him or duel or him or always just find him because she was bored. Even if it got annoying, even if he sometimes thought she was a bother, he'd trade a million of these Vivian's to have her back.

He handed her the flask and grinned at her.

"Vivian Felicis," he said, still slightly unable to stop the proud grin from forming on his face.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

"Don't I?"

Theo said that she didn't have to fake it, but it was clear that he wasn't going to accept her as she was now. She ran a hand through her hair. She had known Theo would see straight though it.
"I know you're not stupid," she said, "I knew you'd know it wasn't real."

Being around Theo was leading to a lot of pressure to be a certain way. In the beginning their friendship had worked because he just accepted her for who she was. But he had gotten used to her being soft, and now Vivian didn't think things would work the way they used to.

She watched as Theo busied himself around the potions room. She crossed her legs as she was sitting on the desk, leant forward and rested her elbow on her knee, her chin resting in her hand. Her eyes didn't leave Theo as she tried to figure him out, but he didn't notice. he was too focused on making his potion.

Finally, he was done. He decanted it into a flask, and strode over to her, looking pleased with himself.

"Vivian Felicis,"

Vivian sat up, and took the flask as Theo handed it to her.

Vivian Felicis. She remembered now. She had asked him to make something for her, something to have fun with other people, and something for himself. For her, he had created a new drink. Alcohol laced with lucky potion. Vivian liked things to go her way. The drink had been perfect.

She had had a lot of fun with it, and she had run out, but she was less interested in the potion this time around. She turned the flask over in her hand, and then looked up at Theo.

"This makes things go my way," she said to him, cutting straight to the chase. "Not the way you think things should go for me."

Theo thought that what was best for Vivian was to feel again. Maybe he thought that some lucky potion would make that happen, would create some event that would bring her back to the way she was. Even if that was the case, Vivian thought it would take much more Felix Felicis than was in this drink.

"My life isn't like yours, Theo," she said. She had been thinking about this a lot over the last few days, and she thought it was time he tried to understand. "I am going to have to see them again. My parents. Its like... they own me." A part of Vivian really did feel that way. She thought she could never be free of them, like they owned a part of her she could never forget or shake off. "They made me what I am, after all. They created this. And that's always going to be the case. I don't have people, not like you do," he had Daphne, and he had more friends than just her. "I don't have beliefs, or a purpose. What am I going to do, when I leave here, Theo? We both know I'll be lucky to scrape one NEWT. All I have is my looks. And there's only one way to live off looks." She didn't need to say it; they both knew what Vivian could market. "If not that, then I'll have to go back to my parents. Or, I could do what my mum did. I could marry someone rich like my step-dad, and have beautiful children..." she trailed off, shaking her head. Now a-days Vivian didn't have much of an opinion on what she did or didn't want, but she still knew she didn't want that. She didn't want to have a child, only to have it have the same life she did. And besides, she would be a terrible mother. Worse, even, than hers. At least any child she had would only be ¹/₈th Veela. Her Veela gene was starting to seem more and more like a curse as the years wore on. Her beauty was all she had, and in the end it would fade, like her mother's.

"What's best for you may not be what's best for me." She looked straight at Theo as she said it, wanting him to understand. Her life was not going to be like his. It wasn't going to be like other peoples. Would it really be best for her to have to feel all of it?

With that thought hopefully fresh in his mind, Vivian opened up the flask and took a deep drink of the potion which would make things go her way. The potion that would do what was best for her.

To start to feel again, to be more like her old self, Vivian would need warmth; love and affection, unwavering safety and security, to feel in control of her own life, her emotions and her body, so she could let her guard down. Was all that even possible for her? To stay the way she was would take nothing at all. If left alone, she would continue with the path she was on. Did this potion have the power to set one or the other in motion? Vivian didn't think so.

Would the mere reminder of the fun times she and Theo had had together- for she was sure that was his intention- be enough to alter the path her life was on? No, she didn't think that was the case, either. But they'd see. She'd drink it and he'd see, one way or another.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian had taken the flask from him and stayed in quiet contemplation, and he stood there, watching, waiting. Would she tell him she didn't want it? He hoped not, but it was always a possibility. Predictable was one thing Vivian Blackwell had never been, and he was thankful that at least that hadn't changed about her, even if everything else had. She turned the flask over and stated that this would make things go her way. He smirked slightly, nodding, but the following words made the smirk fall far from his face, and his eyes widened and deepened at the same time in confusion and hurt. He'd only been trying to help... Did she... Did she not want to feel again? Did she not want to be the person she was? Did she not like who she had been? Did she like feeling nothing at all, being a shell? Obviously the answer was yes. Yes a thousand times, yes a million times. He swallowed slightly, so taken back by her comment that he really didn't know what to say. Fortunately, and rather unfortunately at the same time, Vivian began speaking. She said her life wasn't like his, and he knew that. He understood that. He knew she wasn't like anyone, she never had been. She went on to say her parents made her that way, and he clenched his jaw. He knew that too well, too. But that didn't mean she couldn't escape from them, that she couldn't be free.

She said that she didn't have people, and again Theo thought she could, if she wanted to. But maybe... maybe she really couldn't. Maybe she just couldn't bring herself to want to get to know more people. He knew the way a lot of people thought about her, that no one wanted to be around the "walking dead," and if they did it was more often than not to try and get in her pants, Theo was sure. But just because she was pretty didn't mean she was a slut. He furrowed his brow together as she spoke of what she could do after Hogwarts. Now she was just being nonsensical. So she didn't get decent grades, there were plenty of people who didn't and they lived perfectly normal lives. And then she brought up seemingly her only options and his eyes narrowed quickly at her.

"Don't. You know you're worth more than that, Vivian. So you don't get good grades. They're not everything you know. Become a bar maid, or open a shop in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade. You have plenty of options," he said, his eyes falling to the floor. She didn't... she didn't want to change. She wanted to stay inside this shell of herself, whether he wanted the old Vivian back or not. And if she refused to come out of her shell, then what else could he do? If she wasn't even willing to try then how could he possibly help? "And so what if you don't have people. You have me, and you could have other people, if you wanted." He hoped that was true. He'd like to believe it was true. He wanted to believe that if Vivian tried she could make as many friends as she wanted, but did he really believe that was true? He wasn't sure. He couldn't answer that. She said she could have beautiful children and Theo had almost snapped at her again before he saw the look on her face. She didn't want that, just like he knew she wouldn't.

But it was her last words that hurt the most because it confirmed everything he'd thought. What was best for him may not have been what's best for her... and by that she meant feeling, she meant... experiencing life. He looked at her, staring. If she didn't want to change, then that was it. She took a sip of the Vivian Felicis, probably only to humor him. He didn't need her acts.... pretending like she wanted to do something she obviously didn't. He let out a small sigh before turning around and taking a few steps away from her. What could he say? She made a perfectly good point, and no matter how badly he wanted her to feel... if she didn't think that's what was best for her, then he couldn't change her opinion.

"And you don't have to be a slave to your parents forever. You're almost an adult. You could do whatever you want. You could move out, find a nice job. You could, if you wanted..." He wasn't sure why he kept trying. She obviously didn't want to change. She obviously didn't want to feel. She obviously didn't care.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Theo said that she could get a job, something anyone could do, like work in a bar, and she saw the logic in that.
"Yes, I could," she admitted, "but someone would have to hire me first." She set down the drink. People hired people they liked. No one liked Vivian. If they did, it was for the wrong reasons.

Her eyes were still on him, because for better or for worse, she wanted him to understand.
"Of course I want to get away from them," she said, once she had finished. "And I'm sure I'll manage it, eventually." But it wasn't as simple as Theo was making out. To move out took money, to get money took a job, and Vivian would have a hard time of that. She didn't have any skills or qualifications, and so was sure to find getting a job where she made enough to support herself very difficult.

"I know you want me to feel things again," she said, "but why, Theo? So I can go back to my parents this summer, and have what happened this past week happen all over again, with me totally unprepared? So I can go back to them again after Hogwarts? And then, even if I get away from them for good, more than just moving out, even if they... if they died, or something, there would be something else. Something else would happen."

Vivian's life had been filled with trauma, disappointment, and eventual numbness. What she needed to break that, there was no one in her life to give her. She had been abused from a young age, used for her body, and that had been drilled into her. She had had no control over what happened to her, or her own emotions, and so an extreme coping mechanism developed. And that coping mechanism had prevented her forming any bonds with anyone other than Theo, so there wasn't anyone there to help her. Her outward appearance pushed people away, or drew them in for the wrong reasons. She had all the makings of a real train wreck. Until she felt really safe, until she had a stable environment, and a constant reliable person in her life to lean on, she'd never allow that coping mechanism to shut down long enough to start to work on the problems at the root of it all. All she had was Theo, and that was a lot to ask of a teenage boy. Theo didn't have the means to get her out of her parents house, for starters.

"What's the point, Theo?" she said, quietly, looking away from him and down to her hands. It seemed to her she was making herself vulnerable even by asking this, but he wanted it so badly. "Can you give me even one reason?" Vivian sounded utterly defeated. As far as she could see, the world was cold, and dark, and long and hard, and you dealt with it until you died. Theo wanted her to fight, and she didn't see what for.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian said that she’d need to get hired somewhere before anything else could happen, and Theo nodded. It made sense, but… did she have to be so pessimistic about it? Why couldn’t she believe in herself… in the same way that he believed in her? It was a realization that hit him like a rock. It was more than the fact that she just wasn’t her same old self anymore, it was the fact that she seemed to give up on herself completely. Sure, he didn’t know what plans she had for her life before, it might have been nothing. But, there was just some part of this that didn’t sit right with Theo, the fact that she’d just completely given up on herself. She deserved more than that. He inhaled once as she began ranting about how he wanted her to feel things again, but that it was seemingly pointless. He stared at her, becoming more and more frustrated by the second.

”You can feel things and still be prepared, Vivian. You can fight them, you can be free of them,” he said, his eyes narrowing. He knew where his mind was going. He knew it was a place that his mind shouldn’t go, but one killer bred another, right? No. He wouldn’t be like his father. But her parents were not innocent. ”You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it. It sounds stupid and bloody cliché but it’s true. You..” he stopped talking, staring at the floor as he took a few more steps away from her, and then took a few steps back. Where was this back and forth even going? Why did he care so much that she’d given up on herself? She was confident before. She was fun before. And he still hated himself and her parents for doing this to her. It didn’t matter if it was only partially his fault. He was the reason she got sent back to them… He was the reason she was unprepared. He stared at the floor for a second before lifting his eyes to her as he was asking her for a reason. A reason not to stay the way she was.

There were a million reasons. Couldn’t she see them written on his face? Couldn’t she see them right in front of her? All the opportunities that could be, if she’d just let them? But in the end it really did come down to how selfish he was. He missed the old Vivian. And maybe she didn’t think that was much. Maybe she didn’t think she was worth much. But she was.

”You want reasons? For me, Vivian. Because I miss the way you used to be. Do it as a fuck you to your parents, to show them that they can’t control you. They can try, but they can’t. But…even if you don’t give a damn about me or your parents, you should do it for yourself. Because you deserve more than a life of being a shell. Because you deserve to know what being happy is like. Because it’s a great and wonderful thing… and I care about you. And I know that you deserve so much more than what those two pricks have offered you in life. You can get away from them, start your own life, learn to be happy. You can be free from this prison that they’ve forced you into,” he said, taking steps closer to her, his eyes not leaving her, his voice serious.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian tried to look away from Theo as he spoke to her, talked about how much he cared about her and what she deserved, what she could and should do. But she felt his gaze on her, his eyes boring into her trying to meet hers, and it was too much. Eventually she turned to face him, her eyes meeting Theo's.

A part of her didn't want to hear all this, what he had to say. That confused her, because why did she care at all? It didn't feel like she cared. He kept saying that he cared and it was too much, because she could see it, all of it, in his eyes. The eyes that were so familiar to her.

The truth of it was, it would be hard. It would be so hard for her not only to break down those walls, face her problems and learn to feel again, but caring would be hard. The world would be so much harder if she cared about it all. And that was what she was most afraid of.

She realised that her heart was beating faster, and she didn't know why. She couldn't account for her own reactions. Theo was starting to get to her, and Vivian didn't like it.

"I'm just..." she looked at Theo, shaking her head slightly as she spoke, "I'm just so tired, Theo... I'm so tired of fighting... I'm tired of it all."

Vivian brought a hand up to her head. She wasn't quite feeling, exactly, but she was wrestling with a decision, and that was hard enough. It would be so hard to keep fighting, to face her demons and to feel again, to feel all of it. It would be so hard, and she was so tired. For a moment, just a split second, she hated Theo. Because it would have been so easy to give up. To just drift along through life, emotionless, to never fight again. But Theo was here, still fighting to her. He wasn't going to let her just slip away.

What would she face, if she set herself on this path? Would she have to face all the things that had happened to her as a child, and how she felt about it all? Would she have to relive those things? She didn't know if she could do it alone, and she was scared that Theo would abandon her, leave her alone in favour of Daphne Greengrass, or that he wouldn't be able to handle it, handle her... but would she really stop fighting? Would she really lie down and give up?
"Do it as a fuck you to your parents..."
She wanted to, God, she wanted to so much... she wanted to just lie down and stop it all, stop feeling, stop thinking...

An icy feeling ran through Vivian as she realised that she did want to give up, completely. What she wanted was to lie down and have it all stop. What she wanted was to die... because that would be so, so easy. It could all stop and she'd never, ever have to deal with any of it again. But at that realisation another part of her gave a loud, resounding 'No.' She wouldn't... she could't just let them beat her like that. She had to fight, even though that realisation felt like ice in her gut. If she was going to die, she'd die fighting.

And Theo was there, and his words echoed in her head.
For me... I miss the way you used to be... I care about you... for me... I care...

Maybe it would kill her. In the ways that mattered, anyway. Maybe she wouldn't be able to handle it. But if she was already so beaten that she was contemplating her own death, it didn't seem like she had a hell of a lot to lose.

Vivian looked back up at Theo, opened her mouth... but words failed her. She tried again, and this time she spoke, her voice breaking slightly; "I don't even know where to start."

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

His eyes pleaded with her, begged for her to understand where he was coming from, what he was saying, why she had to come out of her shell. Couldn't she see that there was so much more for her to experience? Couldn't she see how much more there was than just not feeling? He watched her, and listened as she said she was tired. He couldn't imagine what kind of a toll a life like hes could take on... well, your whole life. He couldn't imagine how tired she must be, but did that really give her the right to give up? He didn't think so. He hadn't had a life quite so hard or invasive as she had, but the mental scars he bore weren't any less tiring. He still had to deal with all of those things from his past, and if he could deal with his past, he knew that she could deal with hers. Or he hoped she could deal with hers.

"I know you're tired, but that doesn't mean you should give up," he said, moving and sitting on the desk next to her. He watched as she continued to think. He watched her visibly shiver and his brows furrowed has wondered what she was thinking. Whatever it was, he didn't think it was good. Perhaps he didn't really want to know. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Was she about to toll the death knell for her efforts? Was she about to tell him that she was too tired to fight, too tired to go on. He didn't want to think about that, and he didn't want her to think like that either.

Thankfully the next time she tried to speak, words came out, and they weren't anything like what he expected. The break in her voice tugged at his heart. She was scared. She was hurt. He looked at her before wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"Start with this," he said with a grin, tapping her flask of Vivian Felicis. It might not have been the best part, no, but... she had always been about fun. It wasn't the best starting place, but... it was a starting place.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Theo put an arm around her, and Vivian didn't react. She just didn't know how... she didn't know if she was ready.

But she admitted something to him, and to herself. She was going to try. She was going to keep fighting. She was going to do it all over again, only this time it would be different. This time it would be harder.

Vivian remembered that time when, sitting right here, she had broken down. Theo had broken her, and she had felt all those horrible things. Fear gripped at her heart as she knew that that was what she was in for, all over again. Only this time, if she did things right, it wouldn't be over nearly as quickly. If she was going to fix herself, she'd be in for a lifetime of feelings. She had to believe it wasn't all as bad as that, because Theo seemed fine... Theo wouldn't want her to feel that way, all the time.

But still, she was so scared. She was cold, she felt like a block of ice. Breathing was no longer easy, and it felt like a cold, icy fist was slowly squeezing her heart, a heart that was currently pounding hard and fast in her chest. She felt... she felt.

Fear was more of a bodily reaction than a heart felt emotion, but this fear had spread to her heart, and it was close enough to a feeling to knock her sideways. It was enough of a feeling to redouble her fear.

"Start with this,"

She shook her head, and pushed the flask away. She didn't want it. This wasn't something a drink could fix. She'd made a choice, a life altering choice, and she wasn't sure where it would take her. The road she had chosen was long and hard, and she couldn't see where it ended.

Vivian looked away from Theo so he wouldn't see her eyes shining with tears, still shaking her head, tightening her lips as they threatened to tremble. The fear of what was to come was just too much for her.

So, she thought, this is where it all starts...

She turned back to Theo and rested her head on his shoulder, her eyes squeezed tightly shut against tears. Her hand slid across to his other shoulder, holding onto his shirt.
"Don't leave," she said, into his chest. "Don't."
Her voice sounded harsh, angry and accusing, as though he had threatened to leave her, but she was just trying to hold it together. She knew Theo could read her meaning as clearly as if she had spoken it aloud. 'I need help... don't leave. Finish what you started.' Theo was her best friend, and really he was all she had. She remembered the sparing times she had hugged him when they had been kids, and, more frequently, the times she had held him during their 'experiments'. His shoulders were much broader now, and much stronger. She hoped they would be strong enough to help her shoulder some of this burden.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Theo watched as Vivian turned away, and for a split second he wondered what she was doing. But it didn’t take a genius to figure it out. She was… she was crying? Had they really made this much progress already? Could it even be counted as progress? She wrapped an arm across his chest and laid her head on his shoulder. He let her cry into his shirt as she practically begged him not to leave. He hadn’t thought about going anywhere, but he knew what she meant. He knew her well enough to see right through her short words and cold demeanor. His grip tightened the slightest bit on her shoulder as he laid his head sideways on top of hers.

”I’m not going anywhere, Vivian. I don’t start what I can’t finish,” he said, and he meant it. If he wanted the old Vivian back, and he wanted to give her the life he knew she deserved, he would have to help. He’d have to spend time with her. He’d have to become the friend he should have been this entire time. Was he up for that challenge? Absolutely. Daphne wouldn’t like it probably, but it was…There was nothing between the two of them and there wouldn’t be. Daphne was the woman who held his heart, and she knew from the moment they started this endeavor that Vivian had been a good friend to him. He would fight his hardest to keep him both, and thus far he’d succeeded quite well.

He knew there was a long road ahead of them, and he had no plans of going anywhere. He grinned at her before gripping her shoulder once more and pushing her up to sitting on her own.

”I’ve been here for seven years Viv, you didn’t think you were getting rid of me so easily, did you?” he asked with a cheeky kind of grin. The pair of them had been through a lot together, and they were likely going to go through a lot more, but Theo had absolutely no inclination to go anywhere. He’d be there for Vivian like he needed to be, like she was supposed to be for all of these years and wasn’t. He couldn’t promise her that he wouldn’t still be an ass to her, because in all actuality he probably would be, but it felt a little bit like a new beginning for them both.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Theo moved her so that she was no longer resting on his shoulder, and she was able to look him in the eye. She knew her eyes were teary, and she wasn't sure she wanted him to see that, but she wasn't in a position to hide it. She wasn't sure what Theo would make of her tears. Would he think she had progressed so far so soon, that she was feeling all these things already? Her tears mostly stemmed from fear. She was more scared of this than she had been of anything in her life... well, almost anything. She could think of one thing that had always scared her more. Not that she wanted to think about it.

”I’ve been here for seven years Viv, you didn’t think you were getting rid of me so easily, did you?”

Vivian forced a smile, but it was watery at best. She just didn't have it in her to smile right now. All of her energy was taken up with what she already had going on. Emotionally speaking, she was drained already from the fear, from this conversation, from just being close to Theo. She needed him because she needed someone to lean on, and she felt like she needed someone to hold her and keep her safe, because her world right now was turning into a scary, unknown place, very quickly. But her ability to deal with emotions was still pretty minuscule, and coping with the fear and the conflicting feelings about wanting to be hugged by Theo and fearing the intimacy were all that she could handle right now.

Vivian wondered if Theo was happy. Maybe he would have thought it indecent to show too much happiness while she was so clearly not in a very good place, but he must be... this was what he had wanted. She remembered him the first night she had come back, how upset he had been. He had told her how much it hurt, that she didn't seem to care about him. That she treated him like an annoyance, that she wasn't happy to see him.

"I care about you too, Theo," she said, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. She wanted to give him what she hadn't been able to only a few days ago. She could never have said it, because she could never have let any of it in. "Of course I do. I've always cared about you."

Theo was like her family. He was as close to family as she'd ever experienced. That was why she had taken the fall for him with that letter, and that was why he was the only person who could get through to her now.

Vivian squeezed him tightly, then pulled away. She stayed close to him though, keeping a hand on his shoulder. She needed to feel him there, feel something solid and unmoving, something she could rely on.
"I'm scared," she admitted, looking down. Her voice was quiet, and it broke slightly, yet again. A part of her didn't want to admit it, but she couldn't handle it all on her own.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian forced a smile at his words, and while he appreciated it, he knew it was forced and he knew she was merely humoring him. Still, a smile was a smile no matter how forced. At least, that's how he was thinking of it for now. He wasn't one who approved of her faking emotions, but this one he would take and savor. He would take her smile now, in a time when she was starting off so small, beginning something so much bigger than either of them probably grasped. And then she spoke, and the words truly brought a grin to his face. Because this time he knew her words were true, and that she meant them.

"I know you do, kid." he said, bringing a hand up to ruffle her hair. Vivian squeezed him and he tightened his grip on her to show that he cared about her too. He always had, even though he didn't always show it the way he should have. It was her next words that took him the slightest bit by surprise. She was scared. Part of him knew she was. Knew she was scared of the endeavor she was about to undertake. It was no small feat, and he knew she would need his support. And he would give it to her if that was what was needed.

"It makes sense that you're scared. But I'm behind you. You won't have to go through this alone, Vivian. I promise," he said, offering a grin before giving her shoulder another reassuring squeeze as he looked at her. And he meant his words. He would not abandon her this time around. He would not let her go through this opening of herself alone. He would support her in any way he could. He couldn't help but be the slightest bit proud, of both her and himself. Of her, for finally being willing to not give up, to not stand by and just be a shell forever. And himself, for being the friend he knew he could be, and not letting her just slip away.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Theo ruffled her hair, and gave her a squeeze back, and Vivian was reassured. His words reassured her even more; he wouldn't make her do it alone, he wasn't going to leave. If she was honest, Theo hadn't always been the most reliable friend. Not that she'd been first on anyone's wish list for a mate either. Both of them were far from perfect, and maybe that was why they'd made such a good pair (well good for them, maybe not those around them...). But she felt like they'd both grown up so much, and maybe now Theo was someone she could count on.

Somehow admitting that she was scared, and hearing Theo's reassurances, made her feel the slightest bit better. She took a breath to steady herself, and wiped a few stray tears from her eyes.
"I'm not sure how I start," she said, shrugging. Really, she wasn't. She supposed talking about things would be a good start. Maybe Theo would have some idea. "But... I think I've had enough for one day." She really was drained already, and she didn't think she could handle opening herself up to feeling things right now. Maybe she could face it, after one more nights sleep.

But, she thought, having Theo on her side would be worth a thousand nights sleep. She didn't think anything would quite live up to that. Vivian knew that if Theo ever needed anything, she'd be there.